sound | Kontra K – Warnung


T Guy Tales | The Extra Bad Days

ya know, sometimes I just want to scream and cry. I’m baffled at how anyone would ever think it’s a choice, when day in and day out you’re forced to live a horrible lie.

I’m going insane. I need to transition, I need a sex change, I need some semblance of being a person.

Imagine you’re short a limb. Imagine having a dream where you had that limb, and say, if it was your arm, you swinging on those children’s monkey-bars over crystal clear summer lake, both arms gripping on it, letting go, and then helping you make way through the water. if you got both arms, it’s probably easy to imagine, right? Yeah, so now imagine you woke up from that dream, or this dream you’re now having. And you’re shot one arm.

Day in and day out I feel incomplete, missing something. It’s starts with such simple things as wrong pronouns from people who have no clue, strangers, co-workers, not-so-close friends. And ends up with you back in bed, ribs sore from a day of binder wearing, chest aching, breathing only now adjusting to this new freedom.

I want to die, because this is not a life I can bear. While it’s possible to handle a missing limb, it’s impossible to survive a missing person within yourself for long.

I want to die, because I’ve no hope of ever getting to get through this.

I’m jealous of every boy ever who got to grow up and live on. This was why I cried during Love, Simon.

tea time | wild strawberries and raspberries

52830405_2311967755533730_3773789494419914752_nI told this many times before, but I keep a little stash of tea sent from elsewhere for occasions when I feel like improving my day or evening a little. Sometimes it’s the final boost for an already good day. Other times, it’s that one good thing I can turn to after a not so good of a day.

Today I picked out another German brand, for I tell you, they have the best teas out there. It’s by a company or a line called “Captains Tea” and is in flavor of wind strawberries and raspberries.

The tea is on the sour side of the spectrum, and has a very beautiful red hue to it, deep, rich, and enticing. While my preference lies with lighter, sweeter (but not sweetened) flavors, I liked this one very much due to such a refreshing taste to it.

5 out of 5, would recommend.

Far Cry: New Dawn

I have a friend who loves co-ops, and doesn’t like to play them alone. Often I find myself at the receiving end of it, literally. Aka yesterday I received Far Cry: New Dawn, because it’s fully supported story co-op for the both of you.

First thoughts from someone whose PC is below minimum requirements:

  • The color scheme of the game is right up my alley. Cold and hot pinks, purples, deep blues. Animals are colorful, from the purple-pink-blue of the universe, to white-and-pink adorable-but-will-eat-you.
  • Companion pets are amazing, and I am loving people’s reactions. I ran past a couple with Timber, the dog, who is very smart, and very fluffy. And the woman went “such dog, much wow”, and I died. The boar will run the hell away if we meed a predator to whom he’s a natural dish. It’s great.
  • Companions in general are great.
  • Hurk and Sharkie are alive and well.
  • There’s… Somebody you want to meet there.
  • No, that wasn’t a tree that just got up, that was Princess Mononoke life-deer shit, and thank all your gods that it was not aggressive.
  • Eyes reflect light. I saw the eyes of the wolf before I saw the wolf.
  • They have a lot of pink dye. I wonder if they make it out of the pink flowers that seem to grow everywhere.
  • Yes, it lags, yes, I play on like 1280x resolution or so (I’m on 1900x something of a laptop standard). Sometimes a chunk needs to load, and I have a second of frozen screen. But you know what? Updates in FC5 made it far worse to play that game, than this, brand new one. If you can run that one, you will be able to run this one, one way or another.
  • I know nothing about SLI, so if anyone knows how to easily make it work for this game, please let me know.

Yeah. So I’ve got eaten by a crocodile that could’ve swallowed me whole if it so pleased. Beaten up by a constipated bear I didn’t want to kill one bit, because bears are cute. I very much so want a cold-pink light in my house. I’ll settle for a hot pink though. oh and, Die Antwoords are full on soundtrack, together with some other good-to-decent rap. Art style looks like that of Antwoords too, it’s real nice.

the strange need to fill the voids

I keep some essentials on top of the washing machine. Starting with soap for laundry, finishing with a box full of socks that don’t always have a pair to them. On occasion there’s a tossed shirt there too that didn’t go into the laundry bin for this or that reason. And sometimes, due to the washing machine not touching any of the walls, things disappear off of it. Meaning, they fall behind, and I forget there was a misc. item there to begin with, so, for instance, I found a shirt I’ve not seen for a year. Which, I think, means I can give it away to someone, since I didn’t miss it either.

Today I thought, well, why don’t I take that plank contraption that I once made to serve as an easel, put something soft under it, and put it on the washing machine to cover up the caps between it and wall to an extent where a clothing item wouldn’t fall through if vibrated away? But to do so, I had to dig it out of this space between my drawer cabinet and a wardrobe.  There’s about three inches of space, and I found a way to utilize it, imagine.

I took out all giant notebook with old sketches, patted myself on the back, since they were pretty good (I still threw them away, really can’t keep every scrap you ever make, believe me). A roll of red mesh I thought I’ll surely use for something, but really never did, mesh is just weird. Misc. pieces of cardboard, a giant square mirror that doesn’t fit anywhere, and finally, the easel.

I threw everything away, except for the mirror, since I do like mirrors as decor, and will surely make it a frame eventually to hang. So, now I had that said three inch wide space again. And my first thought was: okay, what will I put there now?

You know, I almost heard Marie Kondo awkwardly laugh at this nasty thought. And I could tell you a few long stories of how I came to this conclusion that I’ll tell you now. A lot of us, myself included, feel a great need to fill up the empty spaces. And you know what? There’s absolutely no reason to do that. In most cases, it’ll happen organically, without going out of your way, getting things, or replacing things around. But in other cases there really is no point to purposefully fill in all the space that you got.

As one of the minimalist IG’s I follow says: the empty space is where we live. So, I’m happy to say, I kicked that instinct out into the trash, together with the sketches and mesh, and only got the mirror there, waiting for a frame.

☕ Do you do that? I mean, what if you got an empty drawer? Or an empty shelf?

Sometimes there’s no choice

I just refused a life-time offer merely because I couldn’t afford to keep the item in question. And I’m quite the hell devastated over it. But sometimes you ought to think of the long-term. Preferably more often than not, in fact. And then weight the wants and needs against one another too. Because by far, wants are NOT needs. And there’s no reason to prioritize wants when not all of the needs are met.

So given a choice at times you don’t really have one anyway. But life goes on, and as long as there’s life, there’s hope, there’s fight, and there’s new chances.

damn, though…

Good Vibes | Myanmar postcard and Shan paper

I’ve received this bookmark made out of traditional Shan paper, and this gorgeous postcard from a very lovely friend in Myanmar. Thank You, kind spirit. Your mere existence, and the fact I’m not forgotten in that magical land you reside in, inspires me to do better, and be better. 🖤🐼


That bookmark is the most beautiful and unique one out of all I had. Someday I’ll show you the collection of the marvelous ones that I’ve got, my treasured being the ones gotten for me with the thought of me, or those that were actually made for me by hand.

This one’s made out of Shan paper, widely used and pretty famous for making a lot of gorgeous things. It is made out of mulberry tree, a widespread shrub in the mountains of the region, Myanmar.

The process of making paper out of it is pretty lengthy, and I’ve spent a good couple hours researching, watching videos, reading, because oh boy… So, how is Shan paper made:

First, the fibers of the mulberry trees are dipped into water, then plastered in a wood fire with a mix of clay or wood ash for five hours or so. Then, this paper lump is put onto a wood slab and beaten with wooden mallets for several minutes.

After that the dough is spread evenly on a bamboo frame covered with fine, oiled cotton fabric, and placed at the bottom of a tank filled with water. When all the air bubbles and other unwanted things are worked out of the sheet, the canvas is taken out and left to dry for long hours in the sun and air.

Sometimes, for decorative purposes in making notepads, bookmarks, umbrellas, and so on, petals, leafs, or other herbs are put into the sheet of paper before it dries. You can see I’ve got one of those in mine too, and I’m loving the motif SO much!

Beautiful, innit?

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Scavenger Culture and how epic it is that YouTube exists

You can’t tell me you’re not entertained and thrilled while watching this. What’s that he found? Oh wow, what’s in there? Hey, why didn’t you take that other thing!

I love it. I craft jewelry myself, so thrift stores are my favorite. You can find some nice belts, old broken jewelry, interesting beaded items, all for very cheaps, that can later be turned into something beautiful and not too pricey too. So this? This is next level, I like it a lot.

If you ever come across someone who not only picks up old things out of bought lockers, return pallets, storage units, or literal garbage, but also restores and makes something else out of at least some of the things – send them my way, I want to watch everything.

r a m e n | Vitasa China: Hoi Sin Style

Lidl here had a wonderful serious sale on all kinds of Asian things. Not gonna lie, I went berserk. I love Lidl for this, with some cut-arounds, you can fit things into the food budget.

I hate cooking, and I’m happy with anything someone else cooks for me. I prefer cooking instant noodles for myself, that’s all. Snagged three of these, they were .79eu, so on the pricey side of cup noodles. But since there were only three flavors, I figured I’ll splurge this once. On ramen, yes.

So now, on to the good stuff. How it’s made and what’s it like.

The cup is plastic and will burn your fingers. I put it in a bowl before I put water in it. Inside there’s thin noodles, and powder already applied to them. A line indicates to where you gotta pour hot water. Mix well, because it does the thing those insta-cup-soups do – it clumps like hell.

After 5 minutes you get this brownish green thing they call “Hoi Sin Style Duck Flavored & Vegetables“. And while it looks ugly and swampy, it’s actually quite spicy and delicious, and fills you up better than a lot of other instant noodles I tried in the past. So, yes, it’s worth the almost 80 cents.

5/5, will eat again. When I don’t feel like .79eu is too much for a cup of noddles. Because it is. It is a very small meager meal. I learned it may be “cheap“, but volume isn’t proportional to the price, so whenever trying to save on food, you must think how many meals per your buck you’re getting. If it’s one, and not so filling – it better not be the price of a pack of flour or sugar (or salt, for that matter). (So while Lilly Singh will tell you she’s cheap, eating her .99ct mac&cheese, I’ll tell you that’s bullshit, you can surely find them cheaper)

Elder Scrolls Online: Elsweyr | The Season of the Dragon

2019 is yet again the year of the Dragon. Not by Chinese zodiac or anything, but by gamer zodiac, I guess. And, apparently, it is not just because of the Dragon Age 4 teaser trailer either. Elder Scrolls Online is also hitting us with a little somethin’ somethin’.

Here’s what we know so far.


  • As always, it’ll be a quarter-release DLC’s. But this time, every piece will be connected, telling one, year long story, with pinnacle happening after two quarters in E3, where second half of the trailer above will be announced, and we’ll know what other DLC dungeon and story zone will get introduced. This quarter will have a bundle of two Dungeon DLC’s where you will go on a quest from Tharn (yes, the one from Coldharbour) to retrieve two halves of a tablet. His heart is in the right place, he does believe it’ll help him bring peace upon Tamriel. In truth, it’s now all your fault that dragons (second quarter, May 20th if you preorder, June 4th if not) rampage the Khajiit homeland: Elsweyr.
  • We’ll get to know how they get to be part of the Dominion, but govern themselves. The story starts with Imperial army marching upon Elsweyr with a necromantic army, as if dragons were not enough, right?
  • Elsweyr is made out of three biomes: desert, savannah, and jungle forest.
  • We’ll finally meet more types of khajiits. There’s seventeen of them, but we’ll only get a few, previously only known from books and stories.
  • We’ll get to meet Sir Caldwell again, and learn more of how he became what he is. Raz will also have some cameo missions.
  • Sheogorath, in the meantime, feels bored and wants more chaos in the world. So he’ll open his vaults, and drop an artifact upon Cyrodiil. Players will then get a notification and location. Obtaining the artifact will make the player a match to Emperor, making them a juggernaut of power, with six new skills. But here’s the catch: you have to feed the new weapon you got, feed it souls of killed players. Or else it’ll eat you.

New Features: 

  • The most important, of course, is the NECROMANCER class. Yes, a brand new class that can be played (as always) many different ways. But life around corpses won’t be easy, for there’s definitely going to be some run-ins with the law. Creators are attempting to make Tamriel react to you, thus forcing a necromancer to remain quiet about this chosen lifestyle. It is a great taboo, and many places have necromancy completely outlawed. But the power!…
  • There’ll be changes in race passives too. Which then leads to another news: each account will get one free token for race change, for creators want everyone to be able to change their race at least once.
  • Cap for bough character slots will be raised, and one additional slot will be given per account for each player, so that everyone has a chance to play necromancer.
  • GUILDS! There’ll be guild categories, making all of our lives easier. And, even better, there’ll be an actual text-search in the guild store. Available on consoles too. So no more searching for hours of that one particular motif among hundreds and hundreds!
  • ZONE GUIDE! Each zone will have a guide telling you your progress, next steps in the quests you got, where the npc’s are. It’ll help new players to orientate themselves, and old returning players to readjust and remember what were they doing.
  • New, interesting battlegrounds mode.
  • Dragon-based Trial with an unique mode for every dragon boss.
  • No champion points cap increase on this update, this year. Creators want to see how they can improve the whole system, for, let’s face it, it’s a mess there. Plus, it’ll allow new players to catch up with those of us who are already far beyond the current cap.


  • Yes. Most important thing ever. Performance fixes. Creators are trying to find a way to generate things, surroundings differently, including the player who is now a massive point on the map, what with all the types of armor, classes, details, etc. Having a great pc is by far not a promise of a well running ESO game. The updates to fix this will be worldwide, and are to begin sometime in the second or third quarter.

Not gonna lie, I’m very excited for everything. I’m already putting my points into the bank: gold, vouchers, everything. Just so I can buy whatever gorgeous stuff I expect there’ll be.

You can already preorder the game, as an update or a separate copy. To new players: buying this will unlock you every other chapter and the base game, so you don’t need a base game. This will have it + Morrowing and Summerset updates too. Other DLC’s that aren’t chapters, such as Gold Coast with Dark Brotherhood quest line are available to purchase via crown store, as always (or, really, just get eso+). Wait for events that mark their release date, they go cheaper then!

Preorder here: Official Eso Page
Official news: Announcements on Elsweyr
Official announcement video: TESO New Chapter