There’s a saying that trouble never walks alone, and it proven to me to be the case almost every time. If something goes wrong, more things go wrong very soon after, if not at the same time.
Right now I’m drowning in a slum. There’s no solutions to the old problems that resurfaced. I had a very great fight for half a year or so, but now it seems I’m losing the war again.
The oddest thing I found in this is that people stop talking to you when they notice you’re relapsing with depression again. Aka, they engage a conversation, but the moment you open your mouth, you can practically see them virtually running away. Yes, it is a little bit funny. And yes, I know friends aren’t therapists, there’s no reason to burden them, and expect a pat on the shoulder. But I spend so much time in utter silence, that I am a little bit overwhelmed.
Here’s the least bit of my problems: my only living grandmother was taken to nursing home, so that my mother and her brother wouldn’t have to constantly look after her – she barely moves, is blind, etc.: they’re afraid she might fall, break something, it’s constant anxiety. So nursing home was a very fine choice from my point of stand. But from my mother’s point, it’s the final step to the grave, and mentally she’s already burying her mother. Crying and all. I can’t blame her, no. But there’s a personal story underlying here, the one that maybe would explain why I feel invisible and/or imposing on people.
Other than that, close to a peak of my problems is my need to get another well paying job, because we’ve been set back SO far with the money, that I don’t even know how to start digging it up again. And it’s project time, so a lot of places don’t even hire right now, since everyone’s already working on this project or that, hands are all on deck and there’s no means to test new people and squeeze them in just right now. But that’s the thing, I need another job, right now.
I really can’t find a damn reason be alive. It’ll get better? I don’t care. I’ll travel? I don’t care. It’s gonna be alright? You guessed it, I don’t care enough. I’m exhausted, and no, I can’t take a break, there’s no fking time to take a damn break. Go work in a factory and once you get overwhelmed – which will likely happen in first two hours – try taking a break and enjoy that “you’ve been let go” slide down hill: bills not paid, hunger, potential homelessness. On top of it, there’s no taking a break from depression. If it’s there, it’s there. And if you stop, it speaks to you. And what it says only confirms the worst you thought. Take a damn break from giving such tips.
As Kiala said: reach out, don’t run away, and don’t wait for people like me to reach out to you. Because we won’t. Because we want to die, and silence from your end is a confirmation that we’re not needed. Reaching out to a helpline when you’re on a brink of falling is like a murderer calling up police to tell them they’re about to kill someone.
What am I even talking about, and why?…