For real, I needs me this adventure. I want to be on that rooftop that looked like alleyways and had higher buildings surround it, trees, birds. I want that water from magical looking faucet, in a metal, reusable glass (not plastic, not paper), “Water Free For All”. I want that little street with that drink they had from a tap. I want this adventure!
My mother lives in constant hellish pain. Her back hurts to a point where some days she can’t get up. Her hip joint is pretty much non-existent, and we’re still far in line for surgery. Her arm ligaments are broken due to falling down in winter after she slipped on the outside stair. Moving hurts. Being hurts. Meds are compensated to an extent only, and there’s a limited amount of them too, meaning she’d have to choose days where she’d be in pain, or hope for days where it’d be more bearable.
And yet, they declined her disability plea locally with only one claim “for pain? no.” Meaning we can’t take it to medical jury in capital, where they’d finalize it and we’d be done with it. We’re left to restart the case and find a different basis.
Bases of ligaments and joint don’t work because you have to wait in line to get treated surgically. Somehow local doctors came to a conclusion: you’re not getting treatment (meaning you wait in line instead of magically appearing at the front of it), so it doesn’t hurt that bad, so you don’t need treatment for it, and can’t use it as a card for disability.
As for her back pain, they don’t know what it originates from, meaning they don’t even know how to treat it, other than give her 12 shots of painkillers that at best take pain off for 48 hours, AT BEST.
But option here is only one: restart the case. My mother can’t work, there’s no doubt of it. All kinds of asocial people get disabilities for less, so this was either spite of the doctor whose name I won’t mention just yet, in case I can get someone from higher-up get at her first, or she was waiting for something to magically appear in her pocket, if you know what I mean.
Restarting the case means going through all the doctors and tests anew. With insurance you still have to pay for a lot of basics, like tubes, hospital gowns (yep), test cups, some of the blood tests, etc. Plus, a lot of these things can only be done in capital, which is 50km away from us. I work three damn jobs to a point of exhaustion, but we have a lot of debts still burdening us, mainly from all the previous incidents, for I tell you, this woman has suffered her due and then some. And with winter bills coming, I’m just really afraid I won’t be able to pay for everything, especially if they cut her insurance at some point, as they did in the past. So I beg you, if anyone can spare a dime, I’m ready to work for it, for you. Even if it’s just a ko-fi coffee, it’d mean the world to me and her, because it all adds up, I promise you.
Thank You for your understanding. And most of all, Thank You for your kindness.
You know what’s good? Reward systems. And lemme tell you how mine works thus.
I have 4 calendars on my table, since I am unable to find one that could do all the things I need. For I need to write things down, but I also need to mark things up. Usually if you can write things, there’s too much room to mark things, and you don’t have as good a visual as you’d like. Then there’s also a planner which I draw into my notebook myself. It has month title, days – horizontal; things I want to do daily – vertical. And so I just mark days out. The goal is to have one vertical line filled for the day, and have as many of them as possible. By no means do I aim for it to be fully filled, let’s be reasonable with ourselves (but at the same time, let’s push ourselves to the limit and see what’s beyond it).
So, I have daily things, plus I have daily work pieces, since I have 4 blogs, two groups, and two more side projects. Some are paid, some, like this one here, are here for pleasure of mine, and ease of my friends.
Say, today is my busiest day, but I choose to have 2 log entries too. I could take them out, and just claim it is a busy day, I won’t work extra. But how will I ever expand the limits, if I don’t push at them whenever I reach them?
Enter Reward System.
Everyone has guilty pleasures, I am sure of it. The thing between guilty pleasure and just a pleasure is the “shouldn’t” factor. Say, you want ice-cream, but you also want to lose weight, buy that book, go on that trip. Here’s how you can use reward system: every time you want the ice-cream, take the money that the treat would cost, and bring it back home, without buying the ice-cream. Put it in a jar or something. Next thing you know, you’ll have the spare money for the book, and if books are a guilty pleasure too – some of the “shouldn’t” factor is removed, for you wrestled your other wants for it. One battle at a time is good enough, believe me.
In my case, it’s video games. I like to pretend I’m working by turning off video game sound, and turning on an audio book. Yes, that does mean I have new material for three blogs. But why do I feel so bad anyway? Because most likely after the 6 hours audio book to play out on double speed – I didn’t do anything else. Sometimes I get motivated to work, but that’s usually not with games that I play with no sound on. It is more often those games that engage me with a story, so I’m really just tricking myself.
Instead what I do now, is I do all the work, even the one that I didn’t want to do, even the stuff that I am too lazy to do, even the things I don’t really have to do. I just do it. And then, at the set limit of time, I can start playing video games, sound on or off, don’t matter. It removes the “guilty” from pleasure to me. And as I said, I am absolutely certain there are many, many aspects in life where you can use this in.
Just make sure you stay nice, kind, and healthy, okay? You’re great, I love you, and you should love you too.
CREDIT: Clara McGuire
This could be a very long vision board series: the adventures. There’s so many things I want to do, and much too many places I want to see. Even my own hometown is pretty darn beautiful, it’s just that I’ve been everywhere, and seen everything here.
Today in particular I wish I had a car to get somewhere further, and then just go explore in a new place.
Okay, there’s two things I must recommend. Female cast driven series that are epic gems on Netflix for either after work relax, or, as in my case: free day, dunno what to do, lemme binge things.
First would be Good Girls. Three wonderful women with their own family struggles and ideals come to a break point. A break point where these good girls, good women, turn into badass robbers. They say mother’s love has no bounds, and these three will prove it time and again.
First of all, I love me some gangster shit, so this was a great new find. Robbers is the most fun of topics, for I love the guns blazing and smokey escape type of scenes in general. But this is much more than that, apparently. For, and this is second of all, I’m pretty sure one of them has a transgender child and is not even questioning it. Then there’s the whole plot of why they needed the money, how they handled it, and what happened after. And you know what? I’m still on episode 1!
Second thing is of course, second season of Glow. I can’t believe this, but this season is even better than the first. The drama makes sense, the wrestling makes sense, the story lines of the women makes a lot of sense too.
I am thoroughly enjoying this. New characters, the dancing, the attempt to make their show there better, it all works in favor of series. Episodes are short and fly by before you know it tho…
So here’s your two for the weekend.
I am well aware I turn from okay to bitter in seconds. I guess that’s why they started calling Manic Depression – Bipolar Disorder. But as much as I do honestly do my best to deal with other people problems, it’s one or two people who deal with mine. Others turn away, run away, or just really outright block me to not have to consider that I’m having an episode I am unable to grasp this second. Which in return makes me feel like I deserve every other bad thing too. And there’s more than I am willing to tell, because really, who cares. I just get judged and told to do things I would’ve done if I could’ve.
Even with mum’s disability becoming a valid chance, I am still paying huge sums to much too many medical staff just so they don’t abandon her or her case. I am so fking over this all. I’m so tired, my brain is so mushed from all the translations I’ve done in sheer hopes that I won’t have to beg or borrow, and it still fails every damn time.
Welp, it doesn’t matter anyway, who cares.
I really miss good classic horror. I write a bookblog, where I go by name Nosferatu. The book blog is named Carpe Noctis, seize the night. It was meant to be a gothic / horror book review corner, a.k.a. among the stuff that I read, it had to have at least one horror review a week. But that just didn’t happen! I either read a lot in one go, and reviewed them in one go, or I didn’t read any horror. Mostly because it’s too bothersome to find any, when your TBR is up to ceiling and beyond. But this is for the vision board, that some day I have not only a Diverse entry a week, but also a Horror entry a week.
In fact, ideally my submissions would look like this per week: Diverse (race, religion, lgbt+), Horror, Non-Fiction, Other
4 entries a week is NOT unreasonable. But it does take effort and time. So I guess we just start small, yes? Baby steps.
This video is a good example of horror love. Also, I need blue and pink/purple lights. For science and reasons.
A lot of things have happened. I’m just gonna mention the highlights, just to get myself back into making these summaries every Sunday, okay? Okay.
Went to see Deadpool 2, something I have mentioned here. It was great. Went to the museum to see a mammoth afterwards, and that was also really great. I’m still enjoying the image in my head of a dog sized fluffy horse herds running around.
Went to see Love, Simon. Must say, nothing makes a 28 year old guy feel more like an old man, than going to a same movie as a whole bunch of teenage girls. Still, good for them, I approve the acceptance, wherever it comes from. My friend seem to have enjoyed the movie too. We laughed, we might have or might not have cried like babies too, and we mutually agreed that Simon’s parents can have their own movie, they’re awesome, and funny, and great.
I won an ESO: Summerset DLC, preorder edition too, so I got the firey mount with it. It’s great, because I wasn’t about to spend the money I need for other things on a dlc, as much as I wanted it. Luck’s on my side, thank You, Universe, and all that jazz. It’s a great DLC, if you can snag it cheaper some place – do, the quests are interesting, the new things to do are fun, and there’s even new bard music:
Daily rewards and new crates started there too. Crates are meh, but daily rewards are not so bad. You get about 25 a month, so you can skip days, as long as you make it via those 25 days during the period of the month they’re for, you’ll get everything. I got a beautiful fox pet from it, a lot of trash from crown crates, that can’t be turned into gems, because they’re not technically from crown crates (like poisons, potions, foods, scrolls), and some new crates. For which I regret buying them in the first place now, but what can you do.
Put out a lot of books for sale, and am thinking if maybe I can put some up on ebay or something. Mostly because I really don’t know what to do with them, they’re too misc. to be taken locally, and I don’t want to throw them away either! We’ll see, I guess, I might come up with something eventually.
One of these days I’ll also tell you of a mini-meet we had with a friend who came for a vacation. We went to hang out in the park, and me being me, I got home with a baggy full of oak caps, feathers, and all kinds of greenery. It deserves a post on its own for many reasons.
Alright, so let’s say that that’s that for now, okay? I’ll try to get back in track with this, it’s a good little meditation and appreciation practice to write summaries like this. After all, lots of good things happened. Lots of. It’s pretty amazing. And all it takes is look beyond the doom and gloom that you get to stare at day in and day out otherwise.
After every GTA Online update – I set myself for “this might be the last one”. The game is pretty old by now, no one would be surprised if they took the efforts they’re still putting in for it and re-directed them towards new projects. I am happy that it has not happened yet though.
Nightclub will apparently introduce new properties (nightclubs), which always felt strangely lacking to me. I mean, we’re talking about criminal organizations here, how is it that there’s one open strip club in whole town that we can visit, and not one that we can own? This will apparently remedy that. I hope for some music, and interactions, and missions, and maybe new clothes, because I’ll be running around in a bathrobe soon enough.
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There’s a saying that trouble never walks alone, and it proven to me to be the case almost every time. If something goes wrong, more things go wrong very soon after, if not at the same time.
Right now I’m drowning in a slum. There’s no solutions to the old problems that resurfaced. I had a very great fight for half a year or so, but now it seems I’m losing the war again.
The oddest thing I found in this is that people stop talking to you when they notice you’re relapsing with depression again. Aka, they engage a conversation, but the moment you open your mouth, you can practically see them virtually running away. Yes, it is a little bit funny. And yes, I know friends aren’t therapists, there’s no reason to burden them, and expect a pat on the shoulder. But I spend so much time in utter silence, that I am a little bit overwhelmed.
Here’s the least bit of my problems: my only living grandmother was taken to nursing home, so that my mother and her brother wouldn’t have to constantly look after her – she barely moves, is blind, etc.: they’re afraid she might fall, break something, it’s constant anxiety. So nursing home was a very fine choice from my point of stand. But from my mother’s point, it’s the final step to the grave, and mentally she’s already burying her mother. Crying and all. I can’t blame her, no. But there’s a personal story underlying here, the one that maybe would explain why I feel invisible and/or imposing on people.
Other than that, close to a peak of my problems is my need to get another well paying job, because we’ve been set back SO far with the money, that I don’t even know how to start digging it up again. And it’s project time, so a lot of places don’t even hire right now, since everyone’s already working on this project or that, hands are all on deck and there’s no means to test new people and squeeze them in just right now. But that’s the thing, I need another job, right now.
I really can’t find a damn reason be alive. It’ll get better? I don’t care. I’ll travel? I don’t care. It’s gonna be alright? You guessed it, I don’t care enough. I’m exhausted, and no, I can’t take a break, there’s no fking time to take a damn break. Go work in a factory and once you get overwhelmed – which will likely happen in first two hours – try taking a break and enjoy that “you’ve been let go” slide down hill: bills not paid, hunger, potential homelessness. On top of it, there’s no taking a break from depression. If it’s there, it’s there. And if you stop, it speaks to you. And what it says only confirms the worst you thought. Take a damn break from giving such tips.
As Kiala said: reach out, don’t run away, and don’t wait for people like me to reach out to you. Because we won’t. Because we want to die, and silence from your end is a confirmation that we’re not needed. Reaching out to a helpline when you’re on a brink of falling is like a murderer calling up police to tell them they’re about to kill someone.
What am I even talking about, and why?…
