future or lack thereof

It’s a simple thing, really. I work three jobs, and depending on how big is the translation load, I can either pay the bills in full (medical bills, utility bills, monthly debt payments), or I am short anywhere up to 200 eu. Now that mum got her disability, and it turned out to be such a mockery at her, and at the poverty we are in, I understood a gruesome truth: This, for me, is not going to be a year to pay off their (parents) debts, so they can get on their feet and I can leave. No. I have them for the rest of my life. Because what they get is not enough to pay the bills.

With no one there to help me (I have an older sibling, but all family turns away from those who are in need, as is such a common feat in life), and with no one there who cares about me, I call quits. And before you go on a rant of how selfish it is to doom my parents into a fate worse than poverty with winter (winters here tend to stay below freezing), let me tell you, that even with me around that’ll be the case. For we simply can’t afford to get through winter.

So my plan is to get my paychecks and exhaust them on all things they need. And then once the day comes when there is no more: I… Let’s say, expire. If I’m not here, maybe my sibling will be kind enough to move in with parents, since she uses mum as free nanny anyway, and they’ll have somewhat of a life.

If anyone reads this, which I doubt for very obvious reasons, be sure I don’t care to hear how “it might get better”. I am at the point where I don’t care if it gets better. I exhausted all my options. I did all I could and then some.

I’ll fake a smile for as long as I can, that much I promise

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The story I needed to see | Shane Dawson’s “The Truth About Jeffree Star” Documentary

I’ll try to keep this short.

I don’t know when it clicked to me that I like watching Jeffree Star, but it happened. Shane I liked and hated and liked again, especially after I realized what a great person he is. Grav3yardGirl is an old favorite I will stand by no matter what. And one day Shane just made these little worlds collide for me.

Now, I know I didn’t talk anything about the documentary Shane did with Bunny, but I loved that one too. I just think it wasn’t just as in depth as this one, for hey, it was his very first attempt to it, and Bunny hides her life for different reasons. But now I must say a word or two about Jeffree Star documentary.

Jeffree very often says the words: we all have problems, we all deal with them, so just stop, <no one cares, because everyone has that same black box with demons to carry>. And so I sit here, typing words, and delete them, and type them again, and then delete them again, unsure… Yes, we do, don’t we? We all have a burden we carry. Some are more vocal about how heavy it is than others. Others then are vocal about the heaviness, but keep it to themselves of how much it is cutting them, rubbing their skin raw, making them bleed. We all have shit to deal with. And those of us who choose to whine online or cry on a friend’s shoulder… Well, there are those who got just that, and then there are those who try to adjust the boulder by throwing away a stone or a splinter.

tl;dr : Been there. Am there. And have neither room nor time to heal, not today, not tomorrow. Maybe not even ever. But I get a moment of peace from watching kind people do kind things, and powerful people do kind things, and people with influence do kind things… For I see the path I hope to walk on, and know that it is possible. If only I don’t die. Be it due to something, or… Well. Due to myself. Here’s for hoping that Universe is just fking with me too. ~ ☕🐼

Here’s all five videos, with my favorite drama channels discussing it below in links. They’re here for me, and for you, to have at hand, and maybe rewatch on the darker day, or a darker night. And if that dark little voice that says “no one cares” sounds a little like Jeffree Star at times, then let this be a reminder that that same voice also said “you’re not alone“.

Rich Lux | Peter Monn | Karina Kaboom

Peter Monn | Karina Kaboom

Peter Monn | Karina Kaboom

Peter Monn | Karina Kaboom

Peter Monn | Karina Kaboom

And I just want to say a thanks to my dear friend, who makes an amazing blog that made me drool too many times, for sitting there and watching these with me. You’re a treasure to call a friend, B! | Pen & Pin

 

Log | Not the best day

Today is just one of those days where I can’t seem to step over the dark puddle, and thus have to go into it, and through it. There’s always a chance it’ll be too deep and too wide to swim across. Just like there’s always a chance I’ll make it.

The fact that I am very tired doesn’t help either. Hope ya’ll doing better.

Looking forwards to Shane Dawson videos tonight, that might help. In the meantime…

Summary |30-05

You know what’s the most amazing this very second? THE WIND IS BLOWING SO HARD! Much like a huge portion of the world, we are suffering heat wave. Today is the first day I am able to breathe and even relax. The wind is cold, the sky is darkened, I’ll take this storm, momma Nature, thank You.

So how was my week, eh?

  • It was good.
  • I’m obsessing (healthy, because it motivates me to do more) with Shane Dawson and Jeffree Star videos. We’re watching it with a friend, with next-day bonus videos by Peter Monn on his drama channels. I was never so invested in a story! It’s so inspiring, I’m loving every moment of it.
  • The purple colored Monster Punch is still no where to be found, which is upsetting!
  • I have received a slip in the mail claiming I’ve a package awaiting. I’m guessing it might be from Germany. But now I have to wait for Monday to get it. But I guess that only means I’ll have a good Monday, right?
  • I’ve received three amazing postcards!
  • 95% of the bills are paid for the last month. Gonna see how this month fares from here on. Internet bill tried to slip past me for TWO MONTHS! But they texted me, informing there’s no payment, I found slips that I have indeed MADE payments, and they said that’ll do, but I’m to make a bit different kinds of payments next time. Will do!
  • No update from mum’s case just yet, but they’re reviewing it, hopefully. We did obtain all the documents for it.
  • Friends are good. Youtube is good. Video games is good.
  • I’ve decided I need blue hair.

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  • I have received the correct wire for jewelry. Expect new stuff flooding Etsy sometime soon, for I have many projects unfinished due to lack of this wire.
  • I’m working on a load of commissions. How great is that even?
  • I still need to make myself work on those Pandas from another super secret little projects. I’m sure it’s gonna be a blast once I stop just sketching and start actually painting. But that step from one to another is the hardest part, always.

Hope you all are doing well, and that this heat didn’t affect you too much, nor the country you live in. I wish you as comfortable days as you wish to have.

xx
Blackwood

Video Game Guide for a transgender guy | Not really a guide tho.

More like an explanation why sometimes that’s the only thing that gets me through the day.

Some days I don’t know whether this is a curse or a blessing. Sometimes it feels like this is for the best on a condition that I’ll have a chance to transition. Because I got to know the other side of the physical gender spectrum, and that likely made me a better man than I would’ve been if I were just whatever I wanted to be instead. Other times I just really want to be normal by heteronormative standards, because oh boy, this sucks so bad. People don’t perceive you the way you see yourself. You start feeling invisible at times. Do you have those friends who have it tough time to stay single, and seem to mop around when they have to be single for a little while longer? I’m not one of those people, and that’s probably the only reason I survived this long. Because imagine trying to date when everyone sees you as something entirely else. Imagine dating a human if everyone sees you as a bee instead. Yes, I just made a reference to a movie.

Anyway, most days are pretty okay. And bad days can often be improved by video games. Especially the ones that give you some freedom on character creation.

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My two main examples are Elder Scrolls Online and Grand Theft Auto 5 Online. First one being a fantasy game, so allowing me some writing stimulation too, since it’s easy to immerse yourself in it, and then have this story of “I went into a dungeon with terrifying monsters in every dark corner, and not only did I live to tell the tale, I came out blooded with my enemy blood” and all that, you know?

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But it’s the second one that is more important to me. And I do feel that it’s the most cheesy thing ever, because what, mostly kids play that game anymore. But then some days I get into that game to merely walk around or drive around. Being this fine dude in platinum blue mohawk, well fitting jeans, broad shoulders, firm thighs, seen as he is… Some days that’s the best thing, that’s the highlight of my whole day.

I really appreciate the updates they made. I appreciate the interactions with NPC’s, and now – a chance to dance too. I feel like I’m one of those rarer guys who actually like to dance (or rare ones who admit to it), even if I’ve got no moves, I’ll shuffle about and enjoy it too, as long as the music got some rhythm I can follow. And I live in this stupid tiny town where there’s no where to go to dance, and I don’t live alone, so it’s not like I can dance without disturbing people either. Can you imagine my joy as I logged in one day, and found my alter ego able to dance? And how much better it got when my friends logged on too, and we went to dance together?

So, video games for me are a life beyond life. A life I’d like, but can’t yet have. A way out. You’ll look at me there, and you’ll perceive me right, even if you’ll assume I’m queer by the way I’m dressed (that’s a discussion for another time) (also I am not in fact queer, but that’s also something to be defined some other time). There I am visible. There I can breathe.

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Summary | 07-??

Why am I like this? No, really, why? I was busy, I really was. But definitely not as busy so that I couldn’t find five minutes to write a blog entry. Well, screw the excuses, let’s get on with it.

 

  • GTA5 Online has released a new update. After Hours or Night Life or something like that. You basically buy a club from Gay Tony, and it blows your head off. First of all, you can upgrade it a little, adjust it to your tastes, even if just a little bit. Then there’s a whole bunker / warehouse thing going on in the basement. You send out your hired goons to gather things for you. The only reason you need to ever go to a public map is to then sell it. Everything else can be done in private maps, with your friends. Including club missions which are amazing at first, and not so boring afterwards. Solomun makes great music, and I’ve actually spent time just watching my character dance. Hell, I’ve spent time dancing with friends, since we live so far apart, it’s not likely we’ll go dancing IRL any time soon. There’s some new clothes and a couple new cars, but the moves is what’s hot for me.

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  • Elder Scrolls Online got Cyrodiil event happening right now, but I can’t say I care for that one. PVP is just not my jam.
  • There’s enough work for three that I do alone. I manage. Barely. But I do.
  • Yes, it is indeed very hot.
  • I left wax in sunlight and it turned soft enough to make molds out of. I’ll be making ear cuffs using them, with hopes it’ll make for better versions than the five prototypes I have that I hate for reasons. I must ask myself again here: why am I like this?
  • My head looks like a human head again. I went to hairdressers’. I’m usually pretty good at socializing even with strangers. But do try to drag me to a hairdresser…
  • I am very unsure of how people survive in longer hair and beards right now. I can’t recall how I lived my life with three months worth of growth (my hair grows very fast too, mind you) where the undercut used to be.
  • I’m reading “Welcome to Night Vale” book, and I’m not really loving it so far. King meets Gaiman.
  • Die Antwoord is coming to Lithuania. I won’t go, of course, but I’d like to. Some day. Not in Lithuania maybe.

I beg your consideration

​My mother lives in constant hellish pain. Her back hurts to a point where some days she can’t get up. Her hip joint is pretty much non-existent, and we’re still far in line for surgery. Her arm ligaments are broken due to falling down in winter after she slipped on the outside stair. Moving hurts. Being hurts. Meds are compensated to an extent only, and there’s a limited amount of them too, meaning she’d have to choose days where she’d be in pain, or hope for days where it’d be more bearable.

And yet, they declined her disability plea locally with only one claim “for pain? no.” Meaning we can’t take it to medical jury in capital, where they’d finalize it and we’d be done with it. We’re left to restart the case and find a different basis.

Bases of ligaments and joint don’t work because you have to wait in line to get treated surgically. Somehow local doctors came to a conclusion: you’re not getting treatment (meaning you wait in line instead of magically appearing at the front of it), so it doesn’t hurt that bad, so you don’t need treatment for it, and can’t use it as a card for disability.

As for her back pain, they don’t know what it originates from, meaning they don’t even know how to treat it, other than give her 12 shots of painkillers that at best take pain off for 48 hours, AT BEST.

But option here is only one: restart the case. My mother can’t work, there’s no doubt of it. All kinds of asocial people get disabilities for less, so this was either spite of the doctor whose name I won’t mention just yet, in case I can get someone from higher-up get at her first, or she was waiting for something to magically appear in her pocket, if you know what I mean.

Restarting the case means going through all the doctors and tests anew. With insurance you still have to pay for a lot of basics, like tubes, hospital gowns (yep), test cups, some of the blood tests, etc. Plus, a lot of these things can only be done in capital, which is 50km away from us. I work three damn jobs to a point of exhaustion, but we have a lot of debts still burdening us, mainly from all the previous incidents, for I tell you, this woman has suffered her due and then some. And with winter bills coming, I’m just really afraid I won’t be able to pay for everything, especially if they cut her insurance at some point, as they did in the past. So I beg you, if anyone can spare a dime, I’m ready to work for it, for you. Even if it’s just a ko-fi coffee, it’d mean the world to me and her, because it all adds up, I promise you.

Thank You for your understanding. And most of all, Thank You for your kindness.

Fundraiser | Ko-fi

Log | The Video Games; eso, gtav

Screenshot_20180710_175333

You know what’s good? Reward systems. And lemme tell you how mine works thus.

I have 4 calendars on my table, since I am unable to find one that could do all the things I need. For I need to write things down, but I also need to mark things up. Usually if you can write things, there’s too much room to mark things, and you don’t have as good a visual as you’d like. Then there’s also a planner which I draw into my notebook myself. It has month title, days – horizontal; things I want to do daily – vertical. And so I just mark days out. The goal is to have one vertical line filled for the day, and have as many of them as possible. By no means do I aim for it to be fully filled, let’s be reasonable with ourselves (but at the same time, let’s push ourselves to the limit and see what’s beyond it).

So, I have daily things, plus I have daily work pieces, since I have 4 blogs, two groups, and two more side projects. Some are paid, some, like this one here, are here for pleasure of mine, and ease of my friends.

Say, today is my busiest day, but I choose to have 2 log entries too. I could take them out, and just claim it is a busy day, I won’t work extra. But how will I ever expand the limits, if I don’t push at them whenever I reach them?

Enter Reward System.

 

Everyone has guilty pleasures, I am sure of it. The thing between guilty pleasure and just a pleasure is the “shouldn’t” factor. Say, you want ice-cream, but you also want to lose weight, buy that book, go on that trip. Here’s how you can use reward system: every time you want the ice-cream, take the money that the treat would cost, and bring it back home, without buying the ice-cream. Put it in a jar or something. Next thing you know, you’ll have the spare money for the book, and if books are a guilty pleasure too – some of the “shouldn’t” factor is removed, for you wrestled your other wants for it. One battle at a time is good enough, believe me.

In my case, it’s video games. I like to pretend I’m working by turning off video game sound, and turning on an audio book. Yes, that does mean I have new material for three blogs. But why do I feel so bad anyway? Because most likely after the 6 hours audio book to play out on double speed – I didn’t do anything else. Sometimes I get motivated to work, but that’s usually not with games that I play with no sound on. It is more often those games that engage me with a story, so I’m really just tricking myself.

Instead what I do now, is I do all the work, even the one that I didn’t want to do, even the stuff that I am too lazy to do, even the things I don’t really have to do. I just do it. And then, at the set limit of time, I can start playing video games, sound on or off, don’t matter. It removes the “guilty” from pleasure to me. And as I said, I am absolutely certain there are many, many aspects in life where you can use this in.

Just make sure you stay nice, kind, and healthy, okay? You’re great, I love you, and you should love you too.

Vision Board | The Adventures

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CREDIT: Clara McGuire

This could be a very long vision board series: the adventures. There’s so many things I want to do, and much too many places I want to see. Even my own hometown is pretty darn beautiful, it’s just that I’ve been everywhere, and seen everything here.

Today in particular I wish I had a car to get somewhere further, and then just go explore in a new place.

A pointless continuation

I am well aware I turn from okay to bitter in seconds. I guess that’s why they started calling Manic Depression – Bipolar Disorder. But as much as I do honestly do my best to deal with other people problems, it’s one or two people who deal with mine. Others turn away, run away, or just really outright block me to not have to consider that I’m having an episode I am unable to grasp this second. Which in return makes me feel like I deserve every other bad thing too. And there’s more than I am willing to tell, because really, who cares. I just get judged and told to do things I would’ve done if I could’ve.

Even with mum’s disability becoming a valid chance, I am still paying huge sums to much too many medical staff just so they don’t abandon her or her case. I am so fking over this all. I’m so tired, my brain is so mushed from all the translations I’ve done in sheer hopes that I won’t have to beg or borrow, and it still fails every damn time.

Welp, it doesn’t matter anyway, who cares.