ED |RedBull Summer Edition | Coconut-Berry

redbull coconut berry good vibesMy my, but what a day it was.

I’m having a very, very stressful couple of weeks that are really putting everything to the test: my resolve, my sanity, my coping mechanisms. So I take walks. It’s pretty much the only thing I can do, and it’s the one thing that does seem to have an effect, as much as I’d like to deny it in the face of depression.

Yesterday I got into the store thinking I need to get bread anyway, might as well give myself for moral stability, thinking it’s going to be a kinder egg (don’t you judge me) or a Monster Mango Loco which is among my top favorites (until someone hands me sour apple or blueberries). Instead I found this.

RedBull, white can, Summer Edition, Coconut-Berry flavor. Coconut is that thing where it can be great or it can be vile when it comes to drinks, so I was a little reluctant to waste what little money I had in the budget of “sanity“, but figured, I will possibly enjoy the new experience, even if I won’t enjoy the drink, so I snagged it.

The liquid inside is gorgeous light sky blue, which is probably not a good thing, but I love that color a lot. The taste? Coconut is very present, but the berries make all the difference between the good and the vile. I had carbonated coconut drinks before, and those were as nasty as they get. This one’s definitely delicious, and I do think it’s the berries that save it. Because it leaves you with an aftertaste and give it a refreshing punch, rather than being overwhelmingly creamy, as coconut flavors are.

So, my verdict is:

5/5, would drink many.

P.S. On top of that, I realized how tough it is to be a teenager. I know that in the face of American-brand racist violence this might be nothing, but I witnessed this woman yell at two teens who were browsing commercial magazines, silently talking to one another, on a public bench by a basketball court, which is also public, not fenced or anything. In her own words, these two, by sitting there doing nothing were: loitering, disturbing kids from playing basketball (the court was absolutely empty, implying kids were scared of two teen guys), and why are they even sitting here, they’re not playing, they need to go away or she’ll call police. Well, I was a little bothered by it, not gonna lie… So I crossed the path of grass, something I hate doing due to many, many reasons, and asked her if she’s from city council. After she confirmed she is not, I suggested I’ll wait for cops with her, because these benches are absolutely always occupied. And I wish she’d come yell at leering old men who come watch kids play exerting games instead of two guys who were, for real, doing absolutely nothing. I also realized it makes me very pissed when someone, while you’re talking in a steady tone, are trying to overyell you with their shit-arguments. Lady I get it, teenagers seem all thugs to you. But they’ll continue growing resenting ladies like you now. I get it too that kids might have been feeling reluctant to play games on the court with these boys sitting there, but I saw those same kids tell off another teen when he asked them, kindly, to not ride bikes on court while they were playing. Just because you’re feeling high and mighty in the moment, doesn’t absolutely mean you’re right. Please try and catch your impulses that come out of frustration, and think whether there’s any legitimate basis to feel that way.
P.P.S. No, the two fellas said nothing, one laughed when she suggested calling cops, but that was the laugh of “you’re kidding, right?”, they didn’t tell her off, they didn’t say a thing. Yes, they looked like they’re not the quiet type, but you know what, they were, because while the lady yelled at me, for daring question her, they picked their backpacks up and scuttled away. Congratulations, lady, you sure showed them and us all, how all teens are horrible, and all adults are so understanding and trustworthy. Yes indeed.

log | Dryad Tree

In the middle of my town, right by the pedestrian crosswalk, dumpsters, and a parking lot, there grows a wild apple tree. Every spring it builds so many blossoms, that you can barely make out branches, let alone any leafs. Bees do love this tree greatly.

As a result, during the summer it builds up an abundance of these nasty green apples that birds love. So many, in fact, that it’s fairly common to see branches droop and even break. And they refuse to fall. Some will, but majority will remain, proud high up. And so it’ll remain not just through autumn, but in winter too, feeding the winter folk: birds, even some brave animals who do by with a half-frozen apple where they can reach it. Birds love this tree greatly too, thus.

And then in spring it sort of just… Shrugs off everything left over the winter and starts sprouting leafs and blossoms again, to restart the cycle.

So my belief is this. This tree here belongs to Dryad, for nothing seems to stop this giving child of nature, no storms, no children, no heavy burdens.

They tell us often we’re no trees, we can uproot ourselves and walk away. But you know what? If you’re not a tree, I still wish you a spirit of this tree, and I hope the both of us will take strength from this here one, a wild apple tree.

Delusions in life

Time and again life has proven me that I’m delusional. I tend to believe I’m worth more, that I’m worth better. But truth is, I’m not. I will never get anything better, no matter how much or how hard I work. I will never be happy, and I will never have anything that wasn’t given to me by someone else.

Today I had a double scare. It’s tax season, so the things I was slowly paying out, decided to roll in full force. There’s no frauds or anything, from neither them, nor me, they’re legally allowed to tell you to pay up full sum if you hadn’t met the due date, it’s just that for three years they allowed me to pass it, and pay as I could. Instead, today they froze all of the accounts of my family. One due to mother’s debt that we’ve acquired after medical bills proved too much. It froze hers and father’s accounts for 1300 euros. And then mine, for another 1300 euros. 2600 euros in total is at the very least 3-6 months, depending on how much I could work. But thing is, if you have no income, you can’t pay for shit: your utilities, including internet via which I work, get disconnected, you literally starve, you die due to lack of meds, among which are the absolutely life-or-death required astma meds for my mother, and insulin for my father. And yet, they expect this will definitely get them their money back.

I was lucky. One of my very best friends was in a position to lend me such a sum with a couple years of delay in any paybacks. What would’ve I’ve done otherwise?

I would’ve died. I would’ve gotten into a hot bath, and slit whatever veins I had. Because even now a very big part of me wants that, and only that. I want to die, because there’s nothing for me on this earth. I’m almost 30, and I’ve been proven I’ll never have anything so very many times, that other people reach their deathbed before they get this many wake-up calls of: you’re absolutely useless, worthless, and pointless.

Eddie Izzard, Wild Virus, and what’s better than sex

Recently Eddie Izzard graced us with the marvelous presence of their person over at Lithuania, Vilnius. They kindly explained the title of the show “Wunderbar“, how it’s such a positive German word, and how close it sounds to Wonderbra, which they likely wore, and then killed us all by assessing the situation, our perked up eyes, possibly watching their chest with beautiful breasts on it, for most know Eddie Izzard as the man in the dress comedian, but they did kindly explain that they’re transgender, and so I don’t know if it’d be okay to call them a he, or should I call them a she, or do they even have a preference… Anyway, Eddie felt the moment: “I know what you all thinking now, what you all want to ask” and started lifting their arm up… And grabbed the necklace! “where did I get my necklace, you ask! At a necklace store!” And then, if we were not dead enough, a finishing blow: “And tits at ikea. Took me 32 years to assemble them.

My two awesome friends took me to see Wunderbar show, and it was the best damn time. Eddie is a gorgeous person both on the outside, and on the inside too. I was very happy to witness it all.

wunderbar eddie izzard stand-up transgender comedian lithuania

It’s the stuff that happened after that got to me. Because both my parents caught a virus. Severe virus. Got knocked out in a span of one day, with high fever running, cough, runny nose, headaches, and bleeding sore throats. It’s now been over a week as I’m trying to not catch it too, and get them healthy at the same time. Spent close to a hundred euros on medications alone, and that with all the possible discounts. When 12 pills that you need to take 2 or 3 of a day are 6-8 euros, and they’re not the only meds you need either, things really do add up.

They’re only getting better now, like they can move, walk around, make themselves some food, and actually keep it down, because, at least my mother, threw everything up for a few days. Wish me luck to not catch it, and them get better soon, okay?

But even with this nasty little thing, I really can’t say the week was bad. There were some other sad news, stories that are mostly not mine to tell. But I have an overload of work, meaning I’ll get paid a bit better, and there’s even commissions of which I’m very pleased. One I just finished.

My favorite part about commissions is when I show the person my interpretation of their idea (because I can’t see what’s in their head, and not due to attempt to change things up), and they happily cheer that they love it right away. Honestly, that’s bloody better than sex. And I’d know, since being trans who is far from transitioning still, I can’t have sex the way I’d like to! Ha. Silver lining.

Anyway, made two beautiful necklaces, a few bracelets, and some very curious items with resin. I’m still a little confused why some items get those miniature air bubbles in them, and others don’t, while all the process was the same, and the only real difference is possibly the item I set in it. If anyone knows anything about it, let me know.

So, yeah. April, so far, treated me quite alright. Now, if only they finally turned the damn heating off…


log | Pandas and Sticks

Last week was an amazing week for me, and it all came from Germany once again. From insane amount of ko-fi, to glorious nature supplies for my jewelry, to a whole box full of pandas. Visit the two out of three culprits: Pen & Pin, whose updates I’m awaiting eagerly; and P.S. I Love That Book, who is my constant background noise.

Were it not for the amount of work I’m put through, I’d likely be constantly painting and making jewelry. I’ve three commissions to finish yet, and only by sheer luck the people whom I owe them are marvelously patient!

Now, I’ll be over there, in my heap of papers I must translate, with my giant panda mug of German tea, awaiting simpler times. Keep in mind if you need me.

Oh, also, go watch What We Do In the Shadows first episode, it’s great!

a riveting tale | The Picture of Happiness

I walked 8 km today. I know that, because I know exactly how many meters it is from one end of where I started, to another. And I walked it more than once. 8 km is not that bad if you’re used to walking in general. It’s like an extra large day at the mall with heavy bags that you got no place to put to, and then a stairway up your home, I’d say. I used to jog more than I walked today. But since depression made me quit, I have lost some of it, so 8 km ended up being painful for my feet, my calves, my thighs, my butt, my lower back, and a little bit on my shoulders and ribs due to binder that I refused to not wear even if I know the day will be physically demanding.

Got back home, flopped into my chair, fired up the pc, and joy! Simon and Martina videos up. And I got so happy that my sore feet don’t even bother me anymore, and let me tell you why.

Happiness is not one big uniform picture. Happiness is not a monochrome square. No. Happiness is a picture made out of many little, small, tiny, strange, bright pictures.

I watched Martina get up through intense pain, every day, and this day too, and seek out happiness. This painful day her happiness is: Meemers goes down the stairs with her; her miniature garden is expanding; She got a toy or several for it; There was maybe a tasty pastry somewhere on the way; etc. Little dots through out, and no, they didn’t just land in her lap, she literally got up, and reached out to take them. With chronic pain. With, I’m sure, depression that comes with such an intense illness. Well, what’s my excuse then?

So here I am. Watching this great video, of these great people, with my sore feet. I have good shoes for walking, could’ve been much worse. I wore a spring-time wind-breaker, because 1) it was warm enough; 2) my friend’s mum got it for me, for I didn’t have anything at all. I had a nice hand-made Ravenclaw hat to keep my noggin toasty. I found a nice stick I can cut up and make pendants out of. I saw a cat. And I saw a white pigeon with grey feathers in its wings. I came back home to my working pc, with internet that has no limits, and youtube full of great videos.

Today was a very good day.

And I wish you just as great one.

– Blackwood


the strange need to fill the voids

I keep some essentials on top of the washing machine. Starting with soap for laundry, finishing with a box full of socks that don’t always have a pair to them. On occasion there’s a tossed shirt there too that didn’t go into the laundry bin for this or that reason. And sometimes, due to the washing machine not touching any of the walls, things disappear off of it. Meaning, they fall behind, and I forget there was a misc. item there to begin with, so, for instance, I found a shirt I’ve not seen for a year. Which, I think, means I can give it away to someone, since I didn’t miss it either.

Today I thought, well, why don’t I take that plank contraption that I once made to serve as an easel, put something soft under it, and put it on the washing machine to cover up the caps between it and wall to an extent where a clothing item wouldn’t fall through if vibrated away? But to do so, I had to dig it out of this space between my drawer cabinet and a wardrobe.  There’s about three inches of space, and I found a way to utilize it, imagine.

I took out all giant notebook with old sketches, patted myself on the back, since they were pretty good (I still threw them away, really can’t keep every scrap you ever make, believe me). A roll of red mesh I thought I’ll surely use for something, but really never did, mesh is just weird. Misc. pieces of cardboard, a giant square mirror that doesn’t fit anywhere, and finally, the easel.

I threw everything away, except for the mirror, since I do like mirrors as decor, and will surely make it a frame eventually to hang. So, now I had that said three inch wide space again. And my first thought was: okay, what will I put there now?

You know, I almost heard Marie Kondo awkwardly laugh at this nasty thought. And I could tell you a few long stories of how I came to this conclusion that I’ll tell you now. A lot of us, myself included, feel a great need to fill up the empty spaces. And you know what? There’s absolutely no reason to do that. In most cases, it’ll happen organically, without going out of your way, getting things, or replacing things around. But in other cases there really is no point to purposefully fill in all the space that you got.

As one of the minimalist IG’s I follow says: the empty space is where we live. So, I’m happy to say, I kicked that instinct out into the trash, together with the sketches and mesh, and only got the mirror there, waiting for a frame.

☕ Do you do that? I mean, what if you got an empty drawer? Or an empty shelf?

Sometimes there’s no choice

I just refused a life-time offer merely because I couldn’t afford to keep the item in question. And I’m quite the hell devastated over it. But sometimes you ought to think of the long-term. Preferably more often than not, in fact. And then weight the wants and needs against one another too. Because by far, wants are NOT needs. And there’s no reason to prioritize wants when not all of the needs are met.

So given a choice at times you don’t really have one anyway. But life goes on, and as long as there’s life, there’s hope, there’s fight, and there’s new chances.

damn, though…

Summary | tea review and theater

This week was pretty good as weeks go. I could name many individual things that could get onto gratitude lists and all that. It helped me not think about upcoming dire situation I’ll be in, that might result in us not speaking for a while. But that doesn’t change much, right? I was slacking here!

The best thing that happened was theater. It was a tacky comedy play a friend took me to, but I enjoy theater very much, and I’m down to watching the less great ones if the choice is that or no theater.


The play was about this man of whom nobody cared. So he faked a tax inspection, making people believe he might have hidden funds. Suddenly everyone cared for him. In the end, he got rid of them all by telling them the truth. And then, as happy endings happen: he found his true love, and they both inherited huge amounts of money, thus actually becoming rich.

A little earlier in the week, while sipping on very delicious plum and vanilla tea I figured I could do those little mock reviews on them too, not just energy drinks. My wonderful friends send me tea from all kinds of places, and I’m very… Strict about when and how I drink them, to not waste the stuff I can’t readily obtain, so to speak.

So here’s a first:


Westcliff” brand plums and vanilla flavored tea. Came to me from Germany. It’s a wonderfully smelling deep red with blue tint color tea. The smell feels natural, not overpowering the way added scents would get. Plum sourness is balanced out by vanilla, making a delicious drink. I enjoyed it very much, and am very happy to have yet another packet of it.

5/5 would drink again.

Game Journal | Adventures | ESO

Since the day wasn’t the best, I decided I need to go exploring. Outside it’s winter, and I’ve been to every nook and corner of my town, and it’s not like there’s much to see in the dead dark of winter. So, video games. Gta5 doesn’t work all that well anymore, my pc is getting old, and can’t handle it as it used to. But I can still play elder scrolls online.

Needed to craft a thing in Coldharbor, so I went there to explore too.

There was a ruin of a house with a hatchet at the edge of it, leading into what I thought would be a cellar. But inside I found two more houses, or remnants of the same house in a cave, river across it and all that. Crafting stations scattered around.

I went through the rooms, curious about this beautiful view. In one room there’s a sort of a little bar, with that lizard-chicken creature, blue skinned, named Honor. Just a little further there’s also a room full of books.

It’s nothing if not a beautiful find.