log | 05-21 2018

As positive as I want to stay, the situation we are in is too severe to be able to. And due to a lot of legal reasons, I can’t even disclose some of the things we’re going through. But here’s what.

Mum’s not likely to get a disability, because she’s too mobile for the severity of her pain, while that’s all on her will and painkillers. Meaning from next month on, she doesn’t get a dime anymore from anywhere, leaving it all on me

With all the things I do, and a bit insane sums I pay, every month we’ll be short a minimal wage (which is not a livable wage either) sum. I’ve counted through my schedules, I could likely make 4 hours free during them, and just make a power run through it. But power runs are just the thing: you give all you have for a short period of time, so you can have a breather. In my case, I don’t know when the breather would happen, and whether I wouldn’t reach my break point first.

For over a decade now I’ve been battling depression. Last year was worse than this year, but this year isn’t yet good. I don’t know what to do, and I’m insanely afraid. Situation would be one day remedied by having the debts paid off, for I literally give up a family’s worth of income to cover them up. But until that day comes… Pray for me.


Riveting Tale: Apagard, Thank You, Rachel and Jun

I learned about Apagard from one of the Rachel and Jun‘s videos “10 Japanese Things America Needs“, I’ll put the video below. Watching it you might say, but hey, they speak about many things, why didn’t you get a blanket or something, instead?

Because I have a problem, okay?? Shower gels and toothpaste are my kryptonite. I see a new one, I want it. Less so with shower gel, but very much so with toothpaste. So when Jun explained things about it, I knew I must have it.

I ordered it about a day after the video came out, because first I needed to talk myself into it: price + shipping made up to one serious splurge on a toothpaste. Not a fortune per se, but a fortune for a toothpaste. How much, you ask? Well, I don’t remember. Something around 10 dollars tho, I’m sure.

I can’t say I’m sure whether I ordered a right one either. I aimed for the most basic one, and this seemed right. No whitening bullshit, thank you. And today it finally came!

It came in a paper envelope, taped with very high quality paper tape (probably using custom strong paper glue, for it held on like hell), in an unpoppable pink bubble-wrap. I don’t like popping bubble-wrap, but even I think that it’s an evil creation. But hey, first time I saw pink bubble-wrap!

The product I received is definitely Japanese, with not a word I could understand, so, naturally, I sent the most important question to a Japanese-reading friend: what are those other kinds of toothpaste show on the manual slip?? We’re awaiting answer! In the meantime, I got to admire the package. The box is very nice, not only shut together with regular pull-out tab, but also glued, so there’s definitely no way you could “swatch” this in store (I dread finding toothpaste without foil safety seal on it). As I said, there was a description slip inside too, one you’d find in a medication box, which is fair, since this also says it’s medical. And then there’s the tube. Definitely smaller than your regular size tube, but so nice and slick. Design is very pleasant, very clean, the cap opens very smoothly, something I always miss with toothpaste that has a cap that you pop – it fills up with residue, or from the very start doesn’t align perfect, so eventually you risk breaking it off. So, yes, props for packaging.

I used it today, about 20 minutes ago, for the first time, after my dinner. There’s no flavoring to it, which I never realized bothered me. Seriously, toothpaste flavors bother me. And I know it now! Because, here’s the glory in no flavor: there’s no aftertaste, and no strange feel on your tongue, and no dryness to your mouth. It’s perfect. You just brush your teeth and you’re done, you’re happy, you can have your water or sip your tea.

As for how effective it is, I guess we’ll see when I finish it, or when I notice results. I’ll try to remember to let you know about it, feel free to remind me time and again! For now I can say my teeth feel very nice and clean, so it serves the purpose.

Blue, Pink, Purple

Before the Friday that I went out with a friend, I went ahead and had my mohawk bleached. That day my street didn’t have hot water, so the hairdresser heated a bucket full of it, and was carefully washing my hair afterwards. Now, this is important, the way she did it, and the discomfort I assume she had, by having to use a freaking pail to put water on my soaped up hair. For I felt the yellow canceling solution go in, and I can’t confidently say I am sure she washed it all out. Bear with me, this is indeed important.

I come home tired, I always get a bit tired after I spend too much time talking to people. So I decided I will paint my hair the next day. Yes, bleaching had a purpose, I was about to have my hair lilac. I wanted it dusty rose pink, or something, but lilac was on sale, so I went with lilac. One becomes cheap when one has this many medical bills piling up. And I almost talked myself out of it too. Anyway, next day comes, I begin the process.

Here’s how it goes. I assume my hair is clean, because I came out of hairdresser, right? So I just go in with the paint. I used up the whole tube of it, on my half-shaven head of short hair, so I’ve really no idea what people with full heads do, buy five or something? Anyway, I paint my hair, I wait the wait, I wash the wash. My hair’s pretty great, considering the dye wasn’t top-notch.

The very next day I notice an oddly bluish strand peeking out, leaving me to wonder: did I not apply the paint right? Because it’s right at that spot on my head, where it’d be hard to reach to put product in OR. To wash product out.

By today I have unicorn hair. There’s thick strands of blue, purple, and pink. Seriously, people go to hairdresser to get this effect that I got due to a few accidents, I guess. The most important one being the yellow canceling solution.

Lilac is what? Blue, Pink, yellow tones there and here to avoid making it purple or violet. Cancel it out, maybe have another color brighten up (say, purple cancels out yellow, right? so if you’d put purple on just the right tone of hair – it’ll stain the hair purple), and here’s what you have. It’s not a good effect as in you can tell something probably went wrong here, but it’s pretty in its own way, so I really don’t mind one bit.


Wake Up


Since my blog hasn’t been up for that long, some of you likely don’t know that I loved finding new sports/energy drinks, and reviewing them too. But I kinda ran out of them. We don’t get all the Monster flavors here. We don’t have Rockstar or Relentless here. We’ve some good things, and a whole sea of bad things. And then there’s a few okay-things.

Friday, same one I went out with my friend to sorta celebrate her getting a nice new job, I used the time to get into this candy store. At times they have unusual things we don’t have commonly. What we don’t have commonly? Well. Reese’s Peanut butter cups, for one. Different Oreo flavors. Mikado poki sticks aren’t in regular stores either.

This time I was on search for some small thing for my niece, for her birthday is coming up (she’ll be 3 years old, a whole grown little grizzly¬†bear), preferably a candy that had a toy trait to it. I found it. One of those push-out lollipop holders in shape of a pony unicorn (the purple one, I dunno their names, sorry). I had something very similar when I was, well, fairly older than she’ll be, and I remember I loved it, because it served great in the sand-box afterwards. So I got her that.

In the same section my eye caught, well, an eye. Or two. “Wake Up“, it said, Energy Drink. I had to take it. It was calling me.

I intended to have it in the car, since we were both very tired after the day, and so thirsty that once again I pondered about people who just don’t drink water. I didn’t drink it at the car though. For that’s the thing, I bought a large bottle of water (I don’t have a water bottle, please don’t judge me! The cheapest one I saw for the amount that was fair was 7e, and that’s just a bit steep right now!), and drained half of it before I reached home, so… A bit more than half a liter. After that, you don’t really want no soda, no nothing. You’re happy, you’re sated, you’re hydrating from inside-out.

I drank this a few hours later, at home, after a slim dinner, because apparently I lose apetite after I get tired. And it was quite alright. The flavor is generic Energy Drink flavor, which is fine with me (original RedBull, for instance, or any cheap 250ml cans really). It didn’t wake me up, I fell asleep like a baby, but that might be because I’m not very sensitive to caffeine (or taurine for that matter). And no, that’s not because I consume drinks like that. I don’t really drink coffee either. It’s just not as effective on me. If I get a boost, it’ll be short-lasting.

So, the verdict. It’s good if you’re okay with generic. The can is pretty, and almost mat, and the size isn’t challenging, for, don’t know about you, but half a liter of soda? Ugh, I can’t finish that (usually I start a can in the morning and through the day, finish it in the evening).

Freaky Friday Fun

Lemme start with the great note of: my friend got a great job with her specialization, and I wish her epic luck in it!

Seeing how that happened, she didn’t let my mood sag on Thursday too much, since I, in the meantime, received quite a bit of bad news, and was ready to not go anywhere due to it. But she broke her good news, and asked me to come, since there’s a cause for celebration, and I figured I don’t want to be the rain on the parade, so I smacked up my smile, decided I’m not gonna let shit ruin the streak of positive mood, and… well, slept fitfully all up until Friday. I do that. If I know I need to go somewhere, even if it’s not early at all – I’ll be waking up very often, checking the time, trying to fall asleep again, and so on.

My Friday began with running errands, of which there weren’t many. Mostly just snail-mail. Had a bookmark, and a bunch of bracelets from various contests to send out. I’m happy people received my witcher bracelets, simpler, in a sense, but even more beautiful in their more even pattern, so very well. Oh, and, I’m very sorry, friends, I didn’t yet send out the postcards, I kinda want to finish them all before I do. Also need a couple of things from some other people to make one package to Bulgaria happen. I got you a panda-themed treat tho! (not eatable, but fun)

After that I just sat home waiting, and it didn’t take long. From the very start the trip got¬† great. For one, I didn’t forget to get some data for phone, so I wasn’t cut off from other people I felt like having in my pocket. Then, my friend didn’t forget to make me a bootable usb for my great need of windows reinstalling tomorrow. Not only that, she said I can keep the usb, since it’s slow and she doesn’t use it much. Well, I will certainly happily keep it!

Her radio was blasting the good old 80s hits, which we knew almost every song, so there was singalong happening, especially on the way back. And the weather was great, like crisp warm spring is supposed to be, I guess!

We left her car at the service, where she needed some work done on it, and took a… what are they called? The buses with electric lines? We took one of those to one of the bigger malls around. And I got motion sickness. Not only did it feel like going in a ship, due to all the actual motion, but the smells of everyone wearing different perfume, stench of gas or diesel, general exhaust smells wafting in with every opening of the door… Which meant she had to take a ride back alone, to pick up her car, and then come back pick me up. Yes, I am a terrible friend to have. But you know what? I have all the best friends.

The mall itself went great. I found most of what I needed, and the rest we decided I’ll order to her, where she can pick it up, and bring it over on her next visit, since we live in different towns, and I live in a very small one, so shipping here costs a few bux, and we’ve no decent stores to begin with. The best part of the mall was finding Joseph Seed glasses in one of the store, my friend really wanted those, so I was happy to help out and snag a pair.

On the way home music was even better. She, being a meteorologist, told me all kinds of stuff about lightening, shit one doesn’t just know, I feel, so not only did I have tons of fun, I got me some edumacation too.

I really love how majority of my friends are either extremely helpful and supportive people, or just mad inspiring. Or all of it in one. I hope I can be as good a friend as they are to me.

Of little things and free happiness

I lived my life with the mentality, that happiness is paid with, quoting my friend, bullshit. Now I can’t really say I believe that, due to, well, simple things. Law of attraction, if you please.

When I workout – I have more energy. Even just after the workout, I feel the boost, I’m not so tired mentally as on the days that I don’t workout. So, by putting it out there, I get it in return. Doesn’t same apply to happiness?

Hoping to hope is one bad state of mind to be. I feel like KJC is teaching me more than anyone realizes, and who’d ever think romance books could teach you how to make your life better, eh? But I could quote her books all day. My favorite is still the “no one’s irreplaceable and it’s arrogant to think that you are”, for I am in a situation in life, where I often think “well, what will they do without me?” But truth is simple, as long as I leave the place tidy, they will figure it out. So I just need to make my consciousness clean here, and leave it very tidy. The other quote I already said: “you’re afraid to hope”, and oh boy, do I.

Today I faced a choice which involved corrupt people letting my mother pass further into treatment. Yes, they had to be coerced, in a sense. Of course, for me that’s not a choice, I just handed her what I had and told her to do whatever it takes. She has cancerous growths randomly appearing, and they’re perfectly treatable WHEN treated. Her hip joint is pretty much utterly gone, putting her in one hellish shit ton of pain. Her arm ligaments are broken. And her back hurts so bad, sometimes she passes out in pain. But they were ready to close her leave, and tell her to go get a job, because hey, why not, right?

Anyway, after that I saw not how could I continue with my own plans, since, obviously this is a sign, right? Bullshit begins, stop smiling.

No, no it isn’t.

I told that little asshole voice to shut up, and went ahead, and I’m happy I did that. Because the less mental strain I have of my own, the more I can do to help the situation at home. And nothing takes the strain off more, than not feeling alienated with your body.

Recently I figured I have a body dysphoria. Something I denied, and denied, and denied. But after reading Shane Dawson’s book “I Hate Myselfie”, it dawned upon me. Bloody hell, I am putting on layers of fat, I wear drab clothing people give me, all because I don’t care, and the less formless I seem, the more away I can feel myself from this, the more I can deepen the hole of “this is not me”. And I tell you, now that’s the real bullshit. Because truth is, that I’d be happier not by burying my body, but my shaping it into as close to what I want it to be, as I can achieve without getting on T. So for the last few days I’ve been chewing my greens, getting me those workout hours, and I’ve got a haircut.

I fatal-ed that nasty little voice in my head by accepting it: happiness is under my nose, I needn’t be afraid to take it when I find it. Such small things, really. A boy’s haircut, a boy’s hoodie, a boy’s deodorant.

Table paints and good weather

A few days back, weather just starting to get good, I realized I’ve not much to do. So I exercised a little bit and sat down, thinking I’ll just browse YouTube, those endless fields of “where did the day go“. But my eye was caught by my awful table.

This table is a tragedy, and an old one for that. I have it for ten years, it’s all wobbly, re-screwed, braced, and taped in many places. And the top of it looked, well, it looked like anything would look like after few years of constant crafting and painting right on top of it. These days I use cutting boards, plastic sheets, and even ceramic tiles to protect it, but hey, by the time I started doing that – it was too late.

It’s been a while since I entertained the idea of painting it black. And today (let’s pretend it’s today) was the day. So I took off all the items, which turned out to be a feat in its own, since I’ve no room to put anything anywhere. I sanded it, poorly, only in the most critical spots, which is a grave mistake, sand your damn surfaces, sand them well, sand them hard! I dusted it off, and then I washed it. Second mistake being me not letting it dry properly. I merely dried it off with towels, and began my work.

After about 4 strokes in, I realized I should probably put some paper on the floor for drips, and put paper tape over shelving edges, to not paint anything I wasn’t prepared to paint.

First layer in, I realize my mistakes. One being poor choice of brush. It was a little too wide for the paint jar. Two, it kept losing bristles there and here, and leaving streaks where thick bristle plowed right through the paint. Then, I had no spot prepared to put the wet brush, which I quickly fixed by fishing out an old plastic bag. And, hopefully finally, as I mentioned before: table wasn’t dry, and wasn’t sanded right. So now I had a single coat of paint that was falling into these bumps and lumps where it was wet, and leaving hills and mountains where I made that ridiculous sanding work. Honestly, that would’ve been fine, textured table? Why not! But I was dreading the scenarios in my head of mouse laser beam rolling over a bump in a road, and my target in some video game escaping due to my poor abilities to shoot.

Second layer of paint it is. This time I drizzled the paint on with the brush, and streaked it across the table with a plastic card, making it fairly even, if not perfect. It’s only when I started hair-dryer drying the table (I dried the first layer of paint like that too), and rubbing the dry surface with towels to buff it up a little, I realized this is far better paint than I thought. For every unnatural streak fused together really easily, and only the stuff where table was messed up was visible, and even then only in parts where it was the worst.


So, in the end, now I have a beautiful black table top. The paint I used was black mat blackboard paint, for if I have a choice, I will always pick grey and black stuff, and not this nasty wood imitation thing. It’s quality stuff, and took very little to coat fairly big surface (I think I used up about 4 shot glasses out of a 0.7l jar). The pigment is glorious, and the smell is nonexistent, let alone the marvelous time in which it dried. And now, if need arises, I can just scribble notes right on my table with chalk.

Yes, you’re very welcome for this marvelous read, I’m sure it was riveting!