the strange need to fill the voids

I keep some essentials on top of the washing machine. Starting with soap for laundry, finishing with a box full of socks that don’t always have a pair to them. On occasion there’s a tossed shirt there too that didn’t go into the laundry bin for this or that reason. And sometimes, due to the washing machine not touching any of the walls, things disappear off of it. Meaning, they fall behind, and I forget there was a misc. item there to begin with, so, for instance, I found a shirt I’ve not seen for a year. Which, I think, means I can give it away to someone, since I didn’t miss it either.

Today I thought, well, why don’t I take that plank contraption that I once made to serve as an easel, put something soft under it, and put it on the washing machine to cover up the caps between it and wall to an extent where a clothing item wouldn’t fall through if vibrated away? But to do so, I had to dig it out of this space between my drawer cabinet and a wardrobe.  There’s about three inches of space, and I found a way to utilize it, imagine.

I took out all giant notebook with old sketches, patted myself on the back, since they were pretty good (I still threw them away, really can’t keep every scrap you ever make, believe me). A roll of red mesh I thought I’ll surely use for something, but really never did, mesh is just weird. Misc. pieces of cardboard, a giant square mirror that doesn’t fit anywhere, and finally, the easel.

I threw everything away, except for the mirror, since I do like mirrors as decor, and will surely make it a frame eventually to hang. So, now I had that said three inch wide space again. And my first thought was: okay, what will I put there now?

You know, I almost heard Marie Kondo awkwardly laugh at this nasty thought. And I could tell you a few long stories of how I came to this conclusion that I’ll tell you now. A lot of us, myself included, feel a great need to fill up the empty spaces. And you know what? There’s absolutely no reason to do that. In most cases, it’ll happen organically, without going out of your way, getting things, or replacing things around. But in other cases there really is no point to purposefully fill in all the space that you got.

As one of the minimalist IG’s I follow says: the empty space is where we live. So, I’m happy to say, I kicked that instinct out into the trash, together with the sketches and mesh, and only got the mirror there, waiting for a frame.

☕ Do you do that? I mean, what if you got an empty drawer? Or an empty shelf?

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Sometimes there’s no choice

I just refused a life-time offer merely because I couldn’t afford to keep the item in question. And I’m quite the hell devastated over it. But sometimes you ought to think of the long-term. Preferably more often than not, in fact. And then weight the wants and needs against one another too. Because by far, wants are NOT needs. And there’s no reason to prioritize wants when not all of the needs are met.

So given a choice at times you don’t really have one anyway. But life goes on, and as long as there’s life, there’s hope, there’s fight, and there’s new chances.

damn, though…

Summary | tea review and theater

This week was pretty good as weeks go. I could name many individual things that could get onto gratitude lists and all that. It helped me not think about upcoming dire situation I’ll be in, that might result in us not speaking for a while. But that doesn’t change much, right? I was slacking here!

The best thing that happened was theater. It was a tacky comedy play a friend took me to, but I enjoy theater very much, and I’m down to watching the less great ones if the choice is that or no theater.

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The play was about this man of whom nobody cared. So he faked a tax inspection, making people believe he might have hidden funds. Suddenly everyone cared for him. In the end, he got rid of them all by telling them the truth. And then, as happy endings happen: he found his true love, and they both inherited huge amounts of money, thus actually becoming rich.

A little earlier in the week, while sipping on very delicious plum and vanilla tea I figured I could do those little mock reviews on them too, not just energy drinks. My wonderful friends send me tea from all kinds of places, and I’m very… Strict about when and how I drink them, to not waste the stuff I can’t readily obtain, so to speak.

So here’s a first:

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Westcliff” brand plums and vanilla flavored tea. Came to me from Germany. It’s a wonderfully smelling deep red with blue tint color tea. The smell feels natural, not overpowering the way added scents would get. Plum sourness is balanced out by vanilla, making a delicious drink. I enjoyed it very much, and am very happy to have yet another packet of it.

5/5 would drink again.

Game Journal | Adventures | ESO

Since the day wasn’t the best, I decided I need to go exploring. Outside it’s winter, and I’ve been to every nook and corner of my town, and it’s not like there’s much to see in the dead dark of winter. So, video games. Gta5 doesn’t work all that well anymore, my pc is getting old, and can’t handle it as it used to. But I can still play elder scrolls online.

Needed to craft a thing in Coldharbor, so I went there to explore too.

There was a ruin of a house with a hatchet at the edge of it, leading into what I thought would be a cellar. But inside I found two more houses, or remnants of the same house in a cave, river across it and all that. Crafting stations scattered around.

I went through the rooms, curious about this beautiful view. In one room there’s a sort of a little bar, with that lizard-chicken creature, blue skinned, named Honor. Just a little further there’s also a room full of books.

It’s nothing if not a beautiful find.

p o p |When motivation is in short supply

When motivation is in short supply, make your own. One thing I learned through depression: motivation is made while doing things. If you do nothing, you won’t get magically motivated to do things. The easiest way to start, since I assume we’re lacking motivation to start doing a thing here, is to plan it. And plan it hard. Colored markers, stickers, written-down therefore must-be-attempted.

Here’s a fun video going around the greatest issue of “I don’t want to plan, because what if I fail“. Let me answer that for you right now: so? It’s okay to fail. Failure, in Humble the Poet words, truer there been not, is not opposite of success. Failure is a street you take TO success.

Mine’s simpler than hers, but just as mad colorful. Stickers help finding pages, so don’t you restrain yourself on nothing, my friend. And then, much like she pointed out: there’s free space in Habit Tracker – put the things you slacked at on top. It’ll motivate you to see the empty spaces. It’ll motivate you to see them get filled in. Motivation will come with the doing. Don’t know if the saying is international, but in Lithuania we say: appetite comes while eating.

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I have a miniature notebook I made out of scrap paper pieces (because I’m a recycling eco warrior, I am!) for to-do lists, and this glorious pink panda thing you see above, filled in with deep purple pen is a habit tracker. I keep there such things as working out, blogging, writing, crafting, painting, and I never EVER expect a full line filled in. I do strive for it, but it’s absolutely not a must. Neither should be yours.

Don’t beat yourself up for what you didn’t do. Enjoy what you did do.
You’re awesome~

And a small little tip: don’t let toxic things affect you day in and day out. And since you can’t NOT feel their poison seeping in, see if you can maybe prevent contact with it. Put things on mute 🐼

Log | Untitled Yellow Piggy

Anyone else feel mad tired after the Holiday Season? I’m sitting here, with my giant panda-head mug (Thank You to my friend for a gift), full of wonderful tea (Thank You to another friend for the gift), watching BookTube videos to relax a little, making little notes of what I’d like to read this year, how I’d like to schedule my book blog, etc.

2018 has spoiled me. Troubles came with big enough gaps between them, biggest one starting this month (need to figure out how to scrape 700 euros to not end up jobless). Friends took insane care of me, pushed me forwards, offered a shoulder when I raged, and a hand when I needed to get back up.

I’ve read 94 books last year, plus some great comics, so totaling in an over a hundred. I improved my work, and my hobbies, raising the bar for myself, and making gorgeous new jewelry that’ll be uploaded into my Etsy this year. And while I painted less, the quality is ever rising, thanks to people all over making sure I can do this. Thank You for the wonderful easel, the great paints, the amazing paintbrushes of all kinds, they’re all being used, and are loved, not just appreciated.

Reflecting back on 2018 I can’t say it was a bad year. It simply wasn’t a good one. I’m looking forwards to 2019, the Yellow Pig year to be better. Who doesn’t love a piggie, huh?? 🐷

I will wish you all only one thing: motivation. Because that’s absolutely all it ever takes to pluck the stars. You can and you will.

Log | Aftermath

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Hello, I’m Quinn, I’m 29 years old, and I’m a panda. Finally, this year is the year when everyone accepted me for what I really am!

In other words, I got a lot of pandas for presents, and I am very happy about it. December 14th was my birthday, and normally it’s a very stressful day for me, but I guess I finally reached that time when people don’t really feel the need to celebrate it with me or for me. So everything happened via spread of December. I’ve got congrats, happy wishes, and presents, among which were pandas, teas, sweets, and gorgeous postcards.

Holidays were okay too, nothing too bad happened, even if I do very much think my co-workers are butts who don’t understand it’s not okay to think of yourself first to an extent where you screw over others. It’s okay to put yourself first, it is. But if you literally made situation so bad over your ego, your plans, yourself in general, that some one person, absolutely not responsible for anything, had to spend days fixing things: congratulations, you’re a butt. I’ll allow you the choice of which cheek you prefer to be.

As for quiet December in general, well, it wasn’t so bad. Still I understood some harsh truths, like, there’s the good people who tell you to ask if you need help, and there’s the good people who start helping without being asked. Good is relative though.

I am currently working on resin jewelry, and it’s going very well. Enjoying it up and then some. Made presents, will send out what I haven’t yet, some is already on the way. Thanks for bearing yet another year with me!

xx
Blackwood

Log | Untitled jumble

There’s so much work all the damn time, that by the end of the day, I tend to not wish to write so much. What I do wish to do is to craft, so here’s some nice updates:

I have finally gotten myself some resin, and must say, it’s amazing. I love working with it, and believe I’ll make some gorgeous stuff, since even the first pancake was not burnt so much.

On top of that I’ve received some art supplies from a friend in Scotland, who was so very kind to give them to me. Never have I ever painted with such quality items. Last night it blew my mind that I might make a painting, and all it would take in editing was to blow out the colors that scanner ate. That’s all. Every color I wanted turned out perfect, watercolors mixed well, remained vivid, and allowed for blending. Inks are incredible too, and I can’t stop painting pandas, you just wait.

Some while ago I watched Bohemian Rhapsody, and it was full of glorious movie magic and music, so you could say I was very inspired for a long run now. Now, to survive December, and then the rest of the winter.

How’s your December going? Looking forwards to the Holidays?

xoxo
Blackwood

T Guy Tales | Representation

2In the past I got told that my depression might be the result of me not accepting myself, aka, I’m depressed, because I’m transgender. I always fought it, but never could truly explain why that’s the complete opposite case. Today I can, with a very simple example:

You know what I hate? Long nails. It looks nice as an artwork, but other than that, I like shorter nails better, and those boyish short with maybe black nail polish as some certain Demon Butler got. I don’t like the idea that my nails make my hands look more feminine, and I think guys with good nail polish, especially black nail polish, get that extra point of “well done”.

You know what else I hate? Trimming my nails. I hate it a lot. I don’t cut my nails too short, no, but there’s still  that period of time where something around your fingertips feels wrong, raw, unhappy.

The easiest way to make myself do things I don’t like doing, or don’t feel like doing, but I feel like I should due to my own preferences in guys or as a guy, is to remember just that fact: as a guy, I’d like to represent a certain image.

So I cut my nails, my hair, ironed and hung my shirt. Small things that depression would otherwise prevent me from doing, but my inner self will fight for.

Hello: Follow Up

Thank You, 6 days into November, and neither my mum, nor I would’ve had any meds.

I rarely get sick, and that’s probably why it always hits me so hard. And I can’t remember when was the last time I had anything to medicate myself with during flu or cold. No insurance either, so can’t even go to the doctors unless it’s already a complicated situation that I hope not to land in, ever.

Be sure, every coffee is so very much appreciated, so loved, and makes my day so much better, that I can only hope I’m (hopefully sooner than later) someday in a position to get back at you.

As for my health, today is the worst day, it being the second full day of sickness. I slept maybe 4 or 5 hours, and shall proceed living on broth, because that’s easiest to swallow, and healthiest during this nasty period. I have successfully gone through more than 30 (more than half a box of 60) tissues, used three out of eight throat pain relievers (but I have honey-lemon mints that soothe okay), I am slightly deaf, and can’t smell a thing, but that’s probably because I can’t breathe.

Love ya, please have a better day than mine, and all the health to get through this plague season without falling victim.
xoxo
Blackwood
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