I’ve read Peter Darling not so long ago, and I really connected with it. My problem was, that I connected to the bad traits Peter seemed to have. Well, now I have the words to explain why that was, why I found myself in the worst of Peter.
This video explains it really well, and I’m not good with words, so I really needed it, and I’m happy it was made.
“Peter’s highs are very high, and his lows are very low” – and it all comes from the shift in “I am who I am” and “what I am is not right“. I’ve been lucky in life, nobody really was too vocal about themselves being against it, or I knew better and never approached the subject with them (usually later finding out their views are horrible, and since then simply avoiding the toxic person in general). But I knew the stories, I knew the horrors of it. And that made me afraid to speak up, that made me to keep everything buried down. And when I did finally come out, I was doing my best to adjust to people around me, once again shifting between those two gears, with no middle ground. I am better with this today.
“He feels powerful when he miraculously finds a way out of a situation” – yeah, that’s the thing. I can’t speak for everyone, but a lot of people probably have those quirks and little things that make them feel the best about themselves. In my case, it also works as a confirmation of me being on the right track. My family has been struggling for so long, and one day I just gave myself up, and chose to fight for them instead. And nothing so far has made me feel more like a decent human being, more like a man, than such small feats as all bills paid, food in the fridge, meds all there.
“His own understanding of what is a man is imperfect” – That’s the title topic. I have spent quite some time trying to fit in with the girls. And when that failed, and left me wrecked in the head (believe me, nobody chooses this, and if you doubt it, I invite you to try and “choose” to live as the perception of opposite gender; there are studies of this, and there are people who had to get mental help afterwards), I dove DEEP into what I perceived to be what a boy should be. Meaning I tried too hard. I figuratively went to war (as Peter keeps doing), believing it’s what I had to do. And while some of my traits could be considered the same old stereotypical (and usually wrong) ideas of a gender this gender that, some were natural, while others I literally thought I had to manufacture. I am happy to say today, that I no longer feel the need for bullshit like that, and that I understand things better. Most of all, I understand that I can just be me, and that it is absolutely enough. Much like Peter, I grew to understand that war is not what boys do or enjoy, necessarily. There are guys who like to dance, like me, and there are guys who like to play basketball, unlike me. And there are women who enjoy the same. Meaning, there’s no one set line, there’s no damn definition. You can just be YOU, and that’s enough.
What you are is enough. How great is that?