T Guy Tales | The Extra Bad Days

ya know, sometimes I just want to scream and cry. I’m baffled at how anyone would ever think it’s a choice, when day in and day out you’re forced to live a horrible lie.

I’m going insane. I need to transition, I need a sex change, I need some semblance of being a person.

Imagine you’re short a limb. Imagine having a dream where you had that limb, and say, if it was your arm, you swinging on those children’s monkey-bars over crystal clear summer lake, both arms gripping on it, letting go, and then helping you make way through the water. if you got both arms, it’s probably easy to imagine, right? Yeah, so now imagine you woke up from that dream, or this dream you’re now having. And you’re shot one arm.

Day in and day out I feel incomplete, missing something. It’s starts with such simple things as wrong pronouns from people who have no clue, strangers, co-workers, not-so-close friends. And ends up with you back in bed, ribs sore from a day of binder wearing, chest aching, breathing only now adjusting to this new freedom.

I want to die, because this is not a life I can bear. While it’s possible to handle a missing limb, it’s impossible to survive a missing person within yourself for long.

I want to die, because I’ve no hope of ever getting to get through this.

I’m jealous of every boy ever who got to grow up and live on. This was why I cried during Love, Simon.


T Guy Tales | Representation

2In the past I got told that my depression might be the result of me not accepting myself, aka, I’m depressed, because I’m transgender. I always fought it, but never could truly explain why that’s the complete opposite case. Today I can, with a very simple example:

You know what I hate? Long nails. It looks nice as an artwork, but other than that, I like shorter nails better, and those boyish short with maybe black nail polish as some certain Demon Butler got. I don’t like the idea that my nails make my hands look more feminine, and I think guys with good nail polish, especially black nail polish, get that extra point of “well done”.

You know what else I hate? Trimming my nails. I hate it a lot. I don’t cut my nails too short, no, but there’s still¬† that period of time where something around your fingertips feels wrong, raw, unhappy.

The easiest way to make myself do things I don’t like doing, or don’t feel like doing, but I feel like I should due to my own preferences in guys or as a guy, is to remember just that fact: as a guy, I’d like to represent a certain image.

So I cut my nails, my hair, ironed and hung my shirt. Small things that depression would otherwise prevent me from doing, but my inner self will fight for.

T Guy Tales | The Awful Need to FIT.

I’ve read Peter Darling not so long ago, and I really connected with it. My problem was, that I connected to the bad traits Peter seemed to have. Well, now I have the words to explain why that was, why I found myself in the worst of Peter.

This video explains it really well, and I’m not good with words, so I really needed it, and I’m happy it was made.

Peter’s highs are very high, and his lows are very low” – and it all comes from the shift in “I am who I am” and “what I am is not right“. I’ve been lucky in life, nobody really was too vocal about themselves being against it, or I knew better and never approached the subject with them (usually later finding out their views are horrible, and since then simply avoiding the toxic person in general).¬†But I knew the stories, I knew the horrors of it. And that made me afraid to speak up, that made me to keep everything buried down. And when I did finally come out, I was doing my best to adjust to people around me, once again shifting between those two gears, with no middle ground. I am better with this today.

He feels powerful when he miraculously finds a way out of a situation” – yeah, that’s the thing. I can’t speak for everyone, but a lot of people probably have those quirks and little things that make them feel the best about themselves. In my case, it also works as a confirmation of me being on the right track. My family has been struggling for so long, and one day I just gave myself up, and chose to fight for them instead. And nothing so far has made me feel more like a decent human being, more like a man, than such small feats as all bills paid, food in the fridge, meds all there.

His own understanding of what is a man is imperfect” – That’s the title topic. I have spent quite some time trying to fit in with the girls. And when that failed, and left me wrecked in the head (believe me, nobody chooses this, and if you doubt it, I invite you to try and “choose” to live as the perception of opposite gender; there are studies of this, and there are people who had to get mental help afterwards), I dove DEEP into what I perceived to be what a boy should be. Meaning I tried too hard. I figuratively went to war (as Peter keeps doing), believing it’s what I had to do. And while some of my traits could be considered the same old stereotypical (and usually wrong) ideas of a gender this gender that, some were natural, while others I literally thought I had to manufacture. I am happy to say today, that I no longer feel the need for bullshit like that, and that I understand things better. Most of all, I understand that I can just be me, and that it is absolutely enough. Much like Peter, I grew to understand that war is not what boys do or enjoy, necessarily. There are guys who like to dance, like me, and there are guys who like to play basketball, unlike me. And there are women who enjoy the same. Meaning, there’s no one set line, there’s no damn definition. You can just be YOU, and that’s enough.

What you are is enough. How great is that?



T Guy Tales | Maybe not always invisible

I woke up to some great messages today, and while brushing my teeth – backtracked everything and came to a conclusion, that I wasn’t always invisible as myself. There were always people who saw past what I look like, no matter if they had basis for it, or not.

Earliest call might have been a bully girl who not only once somehow decided I seem much too much like a boy, but convinced all the other girls in the class of it too. It was only as malicious as she thought it’ll hurt my feelings somehow. But… I guess I wasn’t phased by it, for obvious reasons.

There were of course more of such attempts from more varied sources, to point out my not fitting in, defined by gender, and hope that it got an effect. And only in latter teenage years it stopped being malicious, and began happening as… Something positive, I guess.

It would sometimes come with the “please don’t take offence, for I mean none, but wow, you’d make a <insert a type of a guy> guy” due to, say, a photograph of mine. Other times people pointed to characters, and said they can’t shake the feeling off, they reminded them of me so much, and they hope that it’s okay, because the character is a male. (one of my favorites would be young lord Voldemort from Half-Blood prince)

So I wasn’t invisible even when I actually tried being invisible. It just took a certain angle to see what was so peculiar about me to some people. Malice came from lack of understanding, and I was never hurt by the idea, for, as I said, obvious reasons. And others meant it as a good thing, and merely worried I wouldn’t see it the way they did. Luck has it, I did.

Thanks for seeing me!


T Guy Tales | Appreciation post

Category will be called “Trans Guy Tales“, but I’ll keep it a T in the title. Many reasons. Not the least being Tea and spillage of it. Nor Testosterone that shapes the Transition, being it a start or the end of it. Or just, you know, That guy. Me, yes, hi. The currently Trans guy. (because I hope that in the future I can be JUST That guy)

First post goes to: I appreciate you, thanks a bunch.

  • I love the people who shift gears with ease. Without dropping a beat, they’ll adjust to your pronouns, and you’ll never feel out of the place. I still feel very awkward, because I’ve just recently started putting myself before anyone else in a sense that I stopped allowing the “but it’s okay, call me what you want“. No, do not call me what you want, try your best to adjust to me, because this is a very small thing you need to adjust in compare to the ordeal I have on my plate. Yes, thank you.
  • I love people who don’t just shift gears consciously, but accidentally too. A.k.a. the natural shift. I only noticed this at work today, though if I thought back, there was always a person or two like that in my life. The people who once they perceived you’re not a cis <insert gender> and/or straight, they go to the mode of… I don’t know an English word for it. Imagine teasing a cat playfully, be it by waving a bright feather so they chase it, or by responding to them playfully attacking your hand. I’m the cat. Hello!
  • I love people who somehow see my future too. A friend of mine, we once watched some kind of a show about tattoos on YouTube, and she stopped to write me down the time, and said that guy is ME. And I watched and… HE IS ME! What the heckity? Nice, thanks.
  • I love all of you who ever said you’re on my side, you support me, and that you’re with me. Ya’ll the best thing that has happened to me, ever. Give yourself a hug from me, okay?

Expect some posts to be rants tho, for I’ve a lot of frustrations too. Basically I reserve this category for whatever in relation to my gender, alright?