Log | The Video Games; eso, gtav


You know what’s good? Reward systems. And lemme tell you how mine works thus.

I have 4 calendars on my table, since I am unable to find one that could do all the things I need. For I need to write things down, but I also need to mark things up. Usually if you can write things, there’s too much room to mark things, and you don’t have as good a visual as you’d like. Then there’s also a planner which I draw into my notebook myself. It has month title, days – horizontal; things I want to do daily – vertical. And so I just mark days out. The goal is to have one vertical line filled for the day, and have as many of them as possible. By no means do I aim for it to be fully filled, let’s be reasonable with ourselves (but at the same time, let’s push ourselves to the limit and see what’s beyond it).

So, I have daily things, plus I have daily work pieces, since I have 4 blogs, two groups, and two more side projects. Some are paid, some, like this one here, are here for pleasure of mine, and ease of my friends.

Say, today is my busiest day, but I choose to have 2 log entries too. I could take them out, and just claim it is a busy day, I won’t work extra. But how will I ever expand the limits, if I don’t push at them whenever I reach them?

Enter Reward System.


Everyone has guilty pleasures, I am sure of it. The thing between guilty pleasure and just a pleasure is the “shouldn’t” factor. Say, you want ice-cream, but you also want to lose weight, buy that book, go on that trip. Here’s how you can use reward system: every time you want the ice-cream, take the money that the treat would cost, and bring it back home, without buying the ice-cream. Put it in a jar or something. Next thing you know, you’ll have the spare money for the book, and if books are a guilty pleasure too – some of the “shouldn’t” factor is removed, for you wrestled your other wants for it. One battle at a time is good enough, believe me.

In my case, it’s video games. I like to pretend I’m working by turning off video game sound, and turning on an audio book. Yes, that does mean I have new material for three blogs. But why do I feel so bad anyway? Because most likely after the 6 hours audio book to play out on double speed – I didn’t do anything else. Sometimes I get motivated to work, but that’s usually not with games that I play with no sound on. It is more often those games that engage me with a story, so I’m really just tricking myself.

Instead what I do now, is I do all the work, even the one that I didn’t want to do, even the stuff that I am too lazy to do, even the things I don’t really have to do. I just do it. And then, at the set limit of time, I can start playing video games, sound on or off, don’t matter. It removes the “guilty” from pleasure to me. And as I said, I am absolutely certain there are many, many aspects in life where you can use this in.

Just make sure you stay nice, kind, and healthy, okay? You’re great, I love you, and you should love you too.


A pointless continuation

I am well aware I turn from okay to bitter in seconds. I guess that’s why they started calling Manic Depression – Bipolar Disorder. But as much as I do honestly do my best to deal with other people problems, it’s one or two people who deal with mine. Others turn away, run away, or just really outright block me to not have to consider that I’m having an episode I am unable to grasp this second. Which in return makes me feel like I deserve every other bad thing too. And there’s more than I am willing to tell, because really, who cares. I just get judged and told to do things I would’ve done if I could’ve.

Even with mum’s disability becoming a valid chance, I am still paying huge sums to much too many medical staff just so they don’t abandon her or her case. I am so fking over this all. I’m so tired, my brain is so mushed from all the translations I’ve done in sheer hopes that I won’t have to beg or borrow, and it still fails every damn time.

Welp, it doesn’t matter anyway, who cares.

GTA Online: Nightclub | Nightlife

After every GTA Online update – I set myself for “this might be the last one”. The game is pretty old by now, no one would be surprised if they took the efforts they’re still putting in for it and re-directed them towards new projects. I am happy that it has not happened yet though.

Nightclub will apparently introduce new properties (nightclubs), which always felt strangely lacking to me. I mean, we’re talking about criminal organizations here, how is it that there’s one open strip club in whole town that we can visit, and not one that we can own? This will apparently remedy that. I hope for some music, and interactions, and missions, and maybe new clothes, because I’ll be running around in a bathrobe soon enough.

Log in any time from now to July 2nd to get exclusive bonuses once it gets released!


There’s a saying that trouble never walks alone, and it proven to me to be the case almost every time. If something goes wrong, more things go wrong very soon after, if not at the same time.

Right now I’m drowning in a slum. There’s no solutions to the old problems that resurfaced. I had a very great fight for half a year or so, but now it seems I’m losing the war again.

The oddest thing I found in this is that people stop talking to you when they notice you’re relapsing with depression again. Aka, they engage a conversation, but the moment you open your mouth, you can practically see them virtually running away. Yes, it is a little bit funny. And yes, I know friends aren’t therapists, there’s no reason to burden them, and expect a pat on the shoulder. But I spend so much time in utter silence, that I am a little bit overwhelmed.

Here’s the least bit of my problems: my only living grandmother was taken to nursing home, so that my mother and her brother wouldn’t have to constantly look after her – she barely moves, is blind, etc.: they’re afraid she might fall, break something, it’s constant anxiety. So nursing home was a very fine choice from my point of stand. But from my mother’s point, it’s the final step to the grave, and mentally she’s already burying her mother. Crying and all. I can’t blame her, no. But there’s a personal story underlying here, the one that maybe would explain why I feel invisible and/or imposing on people.

Other than that, close to a peak of my problems is my need to get another well paying job, because we’ve been set back SO far with the money, that I don’t even know how to start digging it up again. And it’s project time, so a lot of places don’t even hire right now, since everyone’s already working on this project or that, hands are all on deck and there’s no means to test new people and squeeze them in just right now. But that’s the thing, I need another job, right now.

I really can’t find a damn reason be alive. It’ll get better? I don’t care. I’ll travel? I don’t care. It’s gonna be alright? You guessed it, I don’t care enough. I’m exhausted, and no, I can’t take a break, there’s no fking time to take a damn break. Go work in a factory and once you get overwhelmed – which will likely happen in first two hours – try taking a break and enjoy that “you’ve been let go” slide down hill: bills not paid, hunger, potential homelessness. On top of it, there’s no taking a break from depression. If it’s there, it’s there. And if you stop, it speaks to you. And what it says only confirms the worst you thought. Take a damn break from giving such tips.

As Kiala said: reach out, don’t run away, and don’t wait for people like me to reach out to you. Because we won’t. Because we want to die, and silence from your end is a confirmation that we’re not needed. Reaching out to a helpline when you’re on a brink of falling is like a murderer calling up police to tell them they’re about to kill someone.

What am I even talking about, and why?…

Job application: friend

As a person, I don’t exist:

I tame down my personality to not bother people around me. I may type a lot for you, but in real life there are days I don’t get to utter a single word out loud. There are days I don’t get a reply to anything too.

My life’s over:

I’m 28, fairly young. Transgender. I’ve no hope in ever getting to transition. The only way I push through the day is by chasing small things: get a binder, cut your hair, trim your nails, work out. I still look like a dough lump, I don’t pass at all. Nobody sees what’s inside. I appreciate the friends who tried tho, who call me by the name I chose, and use right pronouns. But ya’ll use them only in private, have you noticed? Once we’re with people, it reverts. Are you ashamed of me? It’s okay, I’m ashamed of myself too. That’s why I revert too and use whatever you used.

I’ve no one to talk to, no one to lean on:

I give people half-truths, truths with omissions, because I dread they’ll judge me or my family for it. My family isn’t perfect. But I can’t help loving them, and I won’t have them hurt. I’ve honestly no one to talk to about my fears, hopes, or what’s eating me on the inside. I deal with this by supplying myself with happy little things, and as much work as I can cram into a day before I go mad. My happy thing right now is a black little stone a friend gave me, it looks like it came from Black London. And even with her it took almost a year of talking every Wednesday before I actually allowed myself to believe that she maybe wants to talk to me too, and I don’t impose. Yes, I always feel like I impose on people, that they don’t care, that they’re just being polite. And you know what? I think it’s truth. How else would you explain the fact I’m writing this in a public blog post, instead of talking it out with someone, anyone. People have their own problems. Some seek a job, others are trying to make it up with their co-workers. Others feel they’ve no one to lean on. And not one of you is aware I can relate.

Lecture me, I’ll listen:

People who do mistakes that I do, tend to lecture me on how I’m doing those damn mistakes and how I should do something about it. See, you’re judging me here. But you do the same thing too. It’s like a meat-eater preaching why you need to become a vegetarian.

I’ll put you first, forget about me:

I’ll walk out of my way for you. Some part of me will hope you’d do the same for me. But you won’t. Hell, you won’t even care that I did, so really, I’m the dumb one here. You’ve no idea how many times I turned off a video game to talk to a friend when they were down. And how many times all I could do was stare into the wall myself. I’m ready to give up my dreams for any of my friends, no joke. But I’m not sure anyone would do that for me. And I’m really not sure anyone would care about what I did, or appreciate it. So I tell you now: put yourself first. Everyone else does.

So to sum it up:

All I want and can offer is friendship. I’ll give you my heart, because that’s what friendship means to me. And if you step on it, well, my bad for leaving it there, sorry.

Yes, I am pathetic, pitiful creature of whom no one gives any damns, because life goes on for everyone, separately. And sometimes, that’s the biggest problem they have.

A Riveting Tale: Obelisk Gate + Deadpool 2

2I really enjoyed N.K. Jemisin’s “The Fifth Season“. But I wasn’t yet actively seeking out “The Obelisk Gate“. Mostly because it’s a very colossal high fantasy, so it has to be paid respects by taking it in the right form on the right time.

Then someone on Team Hooman came along, telling us they got a few spare copies, and that they want to give them away. In exchange we had to post pictures of our book shelves, and oh I have some great ones, I’ll show you the highlights sometime. Anyway, I posted one of mine, and next thing I know, I won!

This is literally fourth book I won in two months time. I’m very lucky when it comes to meeting good people, and winning little contests, usually for more obscure items, like a home grill that I once won after I entered the contest once, and threw away the cap I needed for claiming my gift. That’s how much I wasn’t into it. (they still gave it to me, and were very kind about it)

And then, as I said, I’ll tell you more about my adventures with Deadpool. Promise no spoilers, I don’t care to tell anyone about the movie really.

Photo 19-05-18 19 19 54

We got there a little early, something that rarely happens with us. I looked about the toys, debated with friend whether 6e combo for kids is worth it to get Deadpool glass (she decided it was not, and I just didn’t want one to begin with). And we went to watch it. Not gonna lie, my mood wasn’t the best. One, because there’s underlying drama with a couple of my friends, and it interfered in my timeline. Two, I was nursing a terrible headache.

Here’s a thing. I get headaches because of pressure that builds up in my head, as blood vessels in my nose are unable to pump blood properly, and so they create these sockets somewhere there, making my blood pressure rise, and the pressure in my head rise too. I often get extremely relieved when I get nosebleeds after those, for the blood pocket bursts, you can imagine it’d feel nice to so rapidly get all things fixed in you: blood pressure, pressure in your head, even breathing.

Meds help, yes, because they’re made to dumb down pain, it doesn’t mean it’s curing whatever it is that’s causing it. I found that aspirin relieves these symptoms more though, and caffeine. Yes, I can almost hear you gasp, outraged and disgusted: another caffeine addict excusing himself.

Back to Deadpool. After it, and yes, movie was fun, tho I did like the first one better, I don’t know why. But it was good, it was really good, I promise. Where was I? Oh, yes. After the movie friends noticed my mood is getting gradually worse, because I’m a grumpy bastard when I’m in discomfort, and I was getting very hungry on top of it, and it turned out that one of them actually has painkillers on her. 20 minutes later I was having a blast listening to a lecture about a mammoth found in Syberian islands, and how horses evolved to be as they are. That was my favorite.

Apparently horses were no bigger than dogs, fluffy too. Evolution demanded they shed their fur, but then they got cold, so they started running all the time, and sleeping standing. And as time went on, today we have horses as they are.

Blue bisons? No. Merely, the skin found was accidentally treated by nature with blue tinted metal residue, and so it looks blue.

Mammoths are huge. The one that was there was about 4 meters tall (3.10 meter high skeleton), and it’s only second from being the smallest one, can you imagine that? They allowed us to touch it, but I somehow forgot I was allowed. Yes, I am dumb. But it’s a bone, so I guess it doesn’t matter all that much, I’m just glad I got to see it!

After that we went for noms in this food court thing. A sort of a long hall full of tables and few small stalls with different foods there. I really wanted Chinese, and my friends obliged.

So, yes, it was a pretty great day!

Elder Scrolls Online + Twitch = Drops

unknownSo there’s a new thing now: you can connect your Elder Scrolls Online account with Twitch and attend random drops that happen during ESO streams on Twitch on pretty much any account that is supported by ESO. I don’t know if you have to type in anything into the chat, but I’m sure the streamer will let you know. I do know, though, that you have to watch the stream, but since I haven’t watched the whole of the one I was watching (kevduit), I assume you don’t need to stay all day long (since you only receive a reward at the end of the stream, if you did “win” one)

Make sure you connect your accounts (go to your account, all info in the next link here): Twitch Drops & More

And here’s one streamer I watch and know for a fact to be supported, thus you’d be eligible to get drops if you get into a live stream on time: Kevduit

I have received one, and so can confirm that you will receive an email. There’s only two tiers though, the crap (potions, stones, scrolls), and the super duper rare lovelies, which are two or three, I forget (a mount, a pet, and a…)

After you do win your box, you can go right into your game and find it there, where you normally would have boxes, with the sassy cat to help you flip the cards from the box.

log | 05-21 2018

As positive as I want to stay, the situation we are in is too severe to be able to. And due to a lot of legal reasons, I can’t even disclose some of the things we’re going through. But here’s what.

Mum’s not likely to get a disability, because she’s too mobile for the severity of her pain, while that’s all on her will and painkillers. Meaning from next month on, she doesn’t get a dime anymore from anywhere, leaving it all on me

With all the things I do, and a bit insane sums I pay, every month we’ll be short a minimal wage (which is not a livable wage either) sum. I’ve counted through my schedules, I could likely make 4 hours free during them, and just make a power run through it. But power runs are just the thing: you give all you have for a short period of time, so you can have a breather. In my case, I don’t know when the breather would happen, and whether I wouldn’t reach my break point first.

For over a decade now I’ve been battling depression. Last year was worse than this year, but this year isn’t yet good. I don’t know what to do, and I’m insanely afraid. Situation would be one day remedied by having the debts paid off, for I literally give up a family’s worth of income to cover them up. But until that day comes… Pray for me.