Job application: friend

As a person, I don’t exist:

I tame down my personality to not bother people around me. I may type a lot for you, but in real life there are days I don’t get to utter a single word out loud. There are days I don’t get a reply to anything too.

My life’s over:

I’m 28, fairly young. Transgender. I’ve no hope in ever getting to transition. The only way I push through the day is by chasing small things: get a binder, cut your hair, trim your nails, work out. I still look like a dough lump, I don’t pass at all. Nobody sees what’s inside. I appreciate the friends who tried tho, who call me by the name I chose, and use right pronouns. But ya’ll use them only in private, have you noticed? Once we’re with people, it reverts. Are you ashamed of me? It’s okay, I’m ashamed of myself too. That’s why I revert too and use whatever you used.

I’ve no one to talk to, no one to lean on:

I give people half-truths, truths with omissions, because I dread they’ll judge me or my family for it. My family isn’t perfect. But I can’t help loving them, and I won’t have them hurt. I’ve honestly no one to talk to about my fears, hopes, or what’s eating me on the inside. I deal with this by supplying myself with happy little things, and as much work as I can cram into a day before I go mad. My happy thing right now is a black little stone a friend gave me, it looks like it came from Black London. And even with her it took almost a year of talking every Wednesday before I actually allowed myself to believe that she maybe wants to talk to me too, and I don’t impose. Yes, I always feel like I impose on people, that they don’t care, that they’re just being polite. And you know what? I think it’s truth. How else would you explain the fact I’m writing this in a public blog post, instead of talking it out with someone, anyone. People have their own problems. Some seek a job, others are trying to make it up with their co-workers. Others feel they’ve no one to lean on. And not one of you is aware I can relate.

Lecture me, I’ll listen:

People who do mistakes that I do, tend to lecture me on how I’m doing those damn mistakes and how I should do something about it. See, you’re judging me here. But you do the same thing too. It’s like a meat-eater preaching why you need to become a vegetarian.

I’ll put you first, forget about me:

I’ll walk out of my way for you. Some part of me will hope you’d do the same for me. But you won’t. Hell, you won’t even care that I did, so really, I’m the dumb one here. You’ve no idea how many times I turned off a video game to talk to a friend when they were down. And how many times all I could do was stare into the wall myself. I’m ready to give up my dreams for any of my friends, no joke. But I’m not sure anyone would do that for me. And I’m really not sure anyone would care about what I did, or appreciate it. So I tell you now: put yourself first. Everyone else does.

So to sum it up:

All I want and can offer is friendship. I’ll give you my heart, because that’s what friendship means to me. And if you step on it, well, my bad for leaving it there, sorry.

Yes, I am pathetic, pitiful creature of whom no one gives any damns, because life goes on for everyone, separately. And sometimes, that’s the biggest problem they have.


A Riveting Tale: Obelisk Gate + Deadpool 2

2I really enjoyed N.K. Jemisin’s “The Fifth Season“. But I wasn’t yet actively seeking out “The Obelisk Gate“. Mostly because it’s a very colossal high fantasy, so it has to be paid respects by taking it in the right form on the right time.

Then someone on Team Hooman came along, telling us they got a few spare copies, and that they want to give them away. In exchange we had to post pictures of our book shelves, and oh I have some great ones, I’ll show you the highlights sometime. Anyway, I posted one of mine, and next thing I know, I won!

This is literally fourth book I won in two months time. I’m very lucky when it comes to meeting good people, and winning little contests, usually for more obscure items, like a home grill that I once won after I entered the contest once, and threw away the cap I needed for claiming my gift. That’s how much I wasn’t into it. (they still gave it to me, and were very kind about it)

And then, as I said, I’ll tell you more about my adventures with Deadpool. Promise no spoilers, I don’t care to tell anyone about the movie really.

Photo 19-05-18 19 19 54

We got there a little early, something that rarely happens with us. I looked about the toys, debated with friend whether 6e combo for kids is worth it to get Deadpool glass (she decided it was not, and I just didn’t want one to begin with). And we went to watch it. Not gonna lie, my mood wasn’t the best. One, because there’s underlying drama with a couple of my friends, and it interfered in my timeline. Two, I was nursing a terrible headache.

Here’s a thing. I get headaches because of pressure that builds up in my head, as blood vessels in my nose are unable to pump blood properly, and so they create these sockets somewhere there, making my blood pressure rise, and the pressure in my head rise too. I often get extremely relieved when I get nosebleeds after those, for the blood pocket bursts, you can imagine it’d feel nice to so rapidly get all things fixed in you: blood pressure, pressure in your head, even breathing.

Meds help, yes, because they’re made to dumb down pain, it doesn’t mean it’s curing whatever it is that’s causing it. I found that aspirin relieves these symptoms more though, and caffeine. Yes, I can almost hear you gasp, outraged and disgusted: another caffeine addict excusing himself.

Back to Deadpool. After it, and yes, movie was fun, tho I did like the first one better, I don’t know why. But it was good, it was really good, I promise. Where was I? Oh, yes. After the movie friends noticed my mood is getting gradually worse, because I’m a grumpy bastard when I’m in discomfort, and I was getting very hungry on top of it, and it turned out that one of them actually has painkillers on her. 20 minutes later I was having a blast listening to a lecture about a mammoth found in Syberian islands, and how horses evolved to be as they are. That was my favorite.

Apparently horses were no bigger than dogs, fluffy too. Evolution demanded they shed their fur, but then they got cold, so they started running all the time, and sleeping standing. And as time went on, today we have horses as they are.

Blue bisons? No. Merely, the skin found was accidentally treated by nature with blue tinted metal residue, and so it looks blue.

Mammoths are huge. The one that was there was about 4 meters tall (3.10 meter high skeleton), and it’s only second from being the smallest one, can you imagine that? They allowed us to touch it, but I somehow forgot I was allowed. Yes, I am dumb. But it’s a bone, so I guess it doesn’t matter all that much, I’m just glad I got to see it!

After that we went for noms in this food court thing. A sort of a long hall full of tables and few small stalls with different foods there. I really wanted Chinese, and my friends obliged.

So, yes, it was a pretty great day!

ED | Lord Lion | Riveting Tale Edition

2018_05_22_IMG_6726 A couple days back I really needed to do some very freaking serious work, so I thought hey, why not fill out the blog a little too. So I slid into the Energy Drink section at the store and tried my best to figure what I haven’t tried yet, and what would be worthy of a whole blog post. Yeah, I know, this is keeping me on the edge of the chair too!

Lucky me, there was a brand new drink there, called Lord Lion. Less lucky me, it was the very cheapest drink there. My wallet was totally grateful, but I already had experience with cheap stuff, so I wasn’t really looking forwards to this. And oh boy, was I right this time.

I brought it home, I cleaned my desk, I got about an hour into work, doing the priority stuff first, for I didn’t know whether I’ll function after this drink. I opened it, I took a sip and… I can’t bloody tell you how disgusting this trash drink is. The only worse drink was Lithuanian brand Selita when they came out with natural caffeine, and it tastes like gym sock brew.

So, yeah, this was bad, don’t get this, no matter how cheap it is.

Elder Scrolls Online + Twitch = Drops

unknownSo there’s a new thing now: you can connect your Elder Scrolls Online account with Twitch and attend random drops that happen during ESO streams on Twitch on pretty much any account that is supported by ESO. I don’t know if you have to type in anything into the chat, but I’m sure the streamer will let you know. I do know, though, that you have to watch the stream, but since I haven’t watched the whole of the one I was watching (kevduit), I assume you don’t need to stay all day long (since you only receive a reward at the end of the stream, if you did “win” one)

Make sure you connect your accounts (go to your account, all info in the next link here): Twitch Drops & More

And here’s one streamer I watch and know for a fact to be supported, thus you’d be eligible to get drops if you get into a live stream on time: Kevduit

I have received one, and so can confirm that you will receive an email. There’s only two tiers though, the crap (potions, stones, scrolls), and the super duper rare lovelies, which are two or three, I forget (a mount, a pet, and a…)

After you do win your box, you can go right into your game and find it there, where you normally would have boxes, with the sassy cat to help you flip the cards from the box.

log | 05-21 2018

As positive as I want to stay, the situation we are in is too severe to be able to. And due to a lot of legal reasons, I can’t even disclose some of the things we’re going through. But here’s what.

Mum’s not likely to get a disability, because she’s too mobile for the severity of her pain, while that’s all on her will and painkillers. Meaning from next month on, she doesn’t get a dime anymore from anywhere, leaving it all on me

With all the things I do, and a bit insane sums I pay, every month we’ll be short a minimal wage (which is not a livable wage either) sum. I’ve counted through my schedules, I could likely make 4 hours free during them, and just make a power run through it. But power runs are just the thing: you give all you have for a short period of time, so you can have a breather. In my case, I don’t know when the breather would happen, and whether I wouldn’t reach my break point first.

For over a decade now I’ve been battling depression. Last year was worse than this year, but this year isn’t yet good. I don’t know what to do, and I’m insanely afraid. Situation would be one day remedied by having the debts paid off, for I literally give up a family’s worth of income to cover them up. But until that day comes… Pray for me.

ED | RedBull Summer Edition

2018_05_02_IMG_6606So as you know, or maybe you don’t, we here, in Lithuania, don’t have all that many types of Energy Drinks, so I’m pretty stoked whenever new flavors of old stuff happen.

A few days back I heard there’s a new Summer Edition RedBull at one of the local stores, and I started rolling towards it. The store only had two left in the otherwise emptied out shelf, so I took them both, just in case.

If you’re wondering here, why, assuming we have Tropical and Grapefruit Summer Edition RedBull, I have not spoken of those, here’s a short review: Grapefruit one is too sour; Tropical one is too sweet; I loved Winter Edition with plumes and cinnamon, but it’s no longer available, so I don’t have a photograph of the can, and therefore – will not review it in length until I get my claws on it again – it was very tasty and unusual.

This one’s very classy. Kiwi and Apple is that milder cousin of, say, Sour Apple flavored RockStar (we do not have Rockstar here, Rockstar, could you please infiltrate??). Not too sour, not too sweet, pretty good. Something one would expect from an overpriced can of Energy Drink, right?

Verdict: yeah, it’s pretty good.

Summerset PTS beta testing and how I couldn’t use the gift


Some if not most of you already know, Summerset, another chapter is coming to ESO soon enough now. As of May, if I’m not wrong, PTS is available for all. But this is a very short and riveting tale of how I was invited to do closed beta testing. And couldn’t.

One day I awoke to a letter from Elder Scrolls online, inviting me to come test Summerset in Closed Beta. There was a huge page of rules of what’s allowed to disclose, what’s not, and when will the non-disclosure agreement be lifted. The rules weren’t very strict, and allowed quite some freedoms, so I was stoked. I thought, wow, I’ll stream this, my Twitch will not be as dead as it is, I’ll show you, and my friends, all the wonderful things Summerset surely has to offer!

So I google what wasn’t clear to me, and start downloading the PTS (Public Test Server). First trip: I don’t have the space for it in my HD. So what I do, is I delete everything I can, keeping only the essentials, which I deemed to be ESO, of course, and GTAV, since that’s one of the rare games I could play with more than one of my friends.

Still, it doesn’t fit. So I resort to installing it into main disk, that is kept for system only, there’s space left for backups and emergencies there, and what is PTS for Summerset if not an emergency, right? Right.

After approximately 6 hours of downloading and installing things, it threw me another error: not enough space. Why? Because it downloads, and installs, so there’s the semi-downloaded files, the downloaded files that are going through installation as it continues, taking up new space that’ll later be freed by deleting the already downloaded file it used to install itself, to download the rest, and whatever other trash one can imagine.

I googled again as of how to uninstall this without uninstalling ESO itself too, and… Well, still uninstalled ESO instead. We’re talking about roughly 60-90 GB of space here. At first I was mighty confused of what did I do, but figuring I’m a moron, I tried installing PTS again. And again it dropped me an error of lacking space. So with only GTA on my hard, I still didn’t have enough room for the damned thing. And this time we’re talking about a really fair amount of space, so imagine the expanding it goes through with download / install / download kind of tactics. I may be wrong tho, I guess. It might have simply been an error in general, that was falsely marked as space shortage.

So. Yes, I didn’t get to play Summerset therefore. Yes, I am very stupid for having my disk split into two, for surely that would solve me some space troubles, but hey, that’s how I roll.

I can’t say I’m all that sad tho, since I’m perfectly okay with first experiencing it with my friend, instead of alone or with strangers. It might have been a nice little entry for other future testings tho.

So that’s that. In the age of huge games, ya can’t be as dumb as I am! But also, well, don’t cry over spilled milk, I guess.

Trash Panda

Meet Trash Panda. And it’s not just his rapper name. It’s a literal title too.

Dunno about things in your country, but here, people who throw out still usable things, tend to put them beside the dumpster, not inside, so that someone who might need it – could find it easily, without digging through actual trash. I forget where I was going when i saw this baby, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

See, I love pandas. I think they’re adorable, interesting, magical, and badass too. It’s amazing how I never owned much with pandas tho, and just recently started noticing things about that I could have, and cheer myself up while looking at. Anyway, Panda.

On my way back, I was determined, if I see it again, it’s going home with me. And here it was, sitting by the dumpster, on a plastic bag full of other soft toys, with a little stain by his nose. So I took it home, unable to leave the adorable creature behind.

Home Trash Panda got a bath of disinfectant, just in case, a bath of soap, and a bath of hair conditioner, to restore that fur after the rough baths. Then the long-ass drying process, and here we are!

Panda is now a family member, wearing my favorite bandanna, and sometimes sporting some chains for photo-shoots.