Summary [14-20]

Well, nothing happened. I just worked, and worked more. Painted, I think, 4 things, and received commissions for another 4. Made two really good looking necklaces. The rest were translations that left me with little time to read.

Saw a wet, but seemingly jolly little birdy today, a very beautiful little thing, with clay-red head, and green-blue shoulders. Dropped him a few bits of the bread I was carrying. While brave little fella didn’t fly away with the relatively close proximity to a human, it still waited for me to back the hell away from the offerings before it started pecking at them.

Been drinking liters of cold brew tea due to the heat, and today, finally, it’s raining! Oh, chill air, how welcome you are. Tho don’t stay, and give some warmer days back now and again, okay?

Log: 08.01

The week has just begun, and there’s already bunches of stuff happening!

The new translation company I started working with uses this new (for me), and ridiculous system of payments. Ridiculous, because the system requires minimum of 50e for withdrawals. Meaning you have to get a full paycheck before it allows you to take it. What’s the damn point in that if you’re hobbyist etsy seller, for instance? (thou etsy now offers direct payments, and they’re very dutiful about it)

Last month we only had a couple of small works, so my full paycheck for the first month  was 50e, but then after taxes it’s about 43e, so I’ll get paid with this month. Or rather, I’ll be allowed my money then. It’s not deadly, since it’s not the only company I work with, but it’s still mighty unpleasant.

Currently I’m allowing myself a couple hours of free time to read a book, and evaluate the translation. This is a re-published book of A. Sapkowski “The Last Wish“, first book, and first collection of short stories in The Witcher Saga. We had these translated for us long before the first game was ever released, by real good publishers (thou funny covers). But this, so far, seems pretty good too. Translator has a good baggage of words, even thou some of them are funny in our language, and thus takes out a bit from this dark atmosphere Witcher books have. But other than that – it’s pretty fine.

They better not make next book “Blood of Elves“, or I’ll be bloody mad.

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Log: Summary 26-02

Well, Steam sale started. Got myself a ton of cards, and gift games, which is always appreciated, but really don’t feel obliged, I have more than I can play for the time being. My Dracula games collection is pretty much complete too, and I’m trying real hard to play that first point-and-click adventure game, but wooh geez it’s difficult with the movements.

It’s hard to remember what happened during the week, my mind’s a scramble. I’m under a lot of stress, and in a lot of anxiety, so all days become one, and it just doesn’t occur to me to mark things down as they go, because, well, why would you think that this meager event would become the highlight of your week at the end of it?

But on the good news, I’ve a lot of work, and a few commissions to that. Paid work is great! Gives me hope! The good kind, the solid kind, not the “maybe it’d happen” kind, not the “a miracle might happen” kind.

Log [2017-06-06]

Week so far is tad strange. But so far it’s not too bad.

I worked myself out of the stupor, made a ton of beautiful things, and will now schedule patreon too, so that patrons get the most for the support, and love that they give me.

It’s weird how both too sunny, and too overcast are both very bad for pictures. I can work it out of the picture either way, but that’s exactly it, it means more work on the photographs.

The paintings are going slower, but they’re still going. I’m a bit annoyed that the colors in pallet get all kinds of weird – they either dry out their oils, or their oils turn them into goo. Deep-dishes are a bit bad if you’re not using large amounts of paint at once.

Sold last of the encased flower pendants, so now I’ve no more actual flower pieces. I should get more, but gathering nature’s materials for crafting is very bothersome…

Sunday: Summary [29-04]

Oh, so many things happened.

The week started with deep-ass depression, really I felt like this was it, I can’t continue with things. And I feel best when I work, so being unable to work means I feel even worse in the long run. But bit by bit, encouraged by friends, I pushed a sentence after a sentence, a bend after a bend, and a stroke after a stroke. Blog entries were all over the place, I admit, but at least they were there.

I played some extra video games on mute, just so I could listen to audio books while doing mundane things as gathering silk, so that the beast in me that requires I work all the time doesn’t think I slack. In the end that really de-stressed me, so I’m grateful to have all those games, so many of them being given to me by friends.

Books are great, and I encourage each and every single one of you, even those who read one book every few month, join some book-y community. Felicia Day’s “Vaginal Fantasy” is great, for instance, and no, it’s not just for the ladies, they read all kinds of romance stories, weird, normal, fantasy, sci-fi, and yes, queer too. The people you connect with will be worth the effort. I promise you a sense of accomplishment when you finish a book everyone’s now reading, and you can join into the discussion too. I’m lucky to say that I have a lot of reader friends, one of them is this wonderful young woman, from [P.S. I Love That Book], and her videos inspire me to read more. She’s a living proof that no matter what book you pick up – it’s good, and that you do need to expand your horizons on your own, because marketing will not do it for you.

And she’s not the only reading friend that I’ve got! There’s two that pry the door open for books I’d like to read, but feel… Well, bad about reading them, I felt afraid to review them, but they, eventually, made it feel normal, and perfectly fine. There’s one who is just getting into the booky stuff via crafting and listening to audio books, and I’m real happy for her. And then there’s one who gives a whole new perspective to books, because she likes them for whole different reasons, and makes all of us see what we might have missed.

I also made two pieces of jewelry, one is not yet finishes, because I want a different chain for it, which just never came, so I guess I’ll have to figure it out, and the other one is already on [<a href=”http://soukyan.etsy.com”>Etsy</a>%5D and is called Fisher King and Nimue (lady of the lake), due to the bead primarily purpose: to be visible underwater from afar. I sold a fair amount of jewelry too, so I really need to step up my game before I ran out of everything except earrings. Earrings are rare sale, really, I don’t think many people wear them anymore, which is perfectly fine, I like making necklaces and bracelets more anyway!

Two wonderful artists offered to make commissions on my behalf. People donate to my fundraiser, and they do commissions for those people in exchange. I admit, I might have teared up a bit when I read what they’re doing. Why would you sacrifice your time for someone you barely, if at all, know? But there’s kind people on this Earth.

And thank You to my Patrons, all four of you. Know that I’d understand completely if one day you decide that this was enough for you, and you’d like to move on ❤ I appreciate the thought and time you spent there, and there’s really nothing I won’t show a bit later to public anyway. I’m saying this, because all four of you are my friends, okay? If you were strangers, this talk wouldn’t be happening, I promise!

So, all in all, this was a bad-to-good week. I have hope again.

Indifference

I went to post office, counting numbers in my mind of how much might it cost to send two small packages to Canada. People walk past me, children, older women. In front of me walks an older man in one of those old brown cheap suits all our grandpa’s probably had. He got my attention, because of the staggering step he made. Then second one. With the third one something stopped obeying him in his body, and he fell onto the bike lane.

Here my mind started playing scenes with people rushing towards him, calling ambulance, someone yelling “move aside, I’m a doctor!“, but you might guess – that didn’t happen. I watched one woman walk past. Then another. Children turned back to look, but kept their distance.

I ran to the man, that’s like five steps really, shook his shoulder, asked him what happened, you know, the ordinary things you do when someone succumbs, falls, or otherwise shows ailment, and/or lack of response. This was the case, the man didn’t respond, but there was no smell of alcohol either, so whole that “ugh, must be a drunkard, so people were afraid to get near” didn’t count. I called the ambulance then.

Children came closer, and since I was in a hurry, I admit, I asked them to wave the ambulance here when they see it coming, just in case, and ran to the post office. Funny thing? All scene was perfectly visible from post office windows, so I could keep an eye on the kids. I saw the ambulance come. I saw them pick the man up. I saw them drive away with him, sirens blaring, and children getting on their way. NOW people looked. NOW people stopped to see. It was safe to gawk.

Here’s the thing. This could be ANY of us, without exceptions. Be you the healthiest damn vegan on Earth, be you a jogger rolling with that healthy life. Be you young, and fit. This still could be you, and people might walk past you just as well. And if that doesn’t get hit you into your consciousness, remember that this could also be your parent.

I’d say no less than 15 years back my mother slipped and fell near a store. As a kid I wasn’t much worried, it was daytime anyway, maybe she went to another store. When she staggered in home bloody, I realized I should’ve been worried. She said she couldn’t move, her head was ringing, she could hardly see. It was a busy place, so not a damn chance on Earth that no one saw her there, on the floor. But people didn’t care. Maybe they thought themselves above this woman, who might, MIGHT be a drunkard. And on that “maybe/might” indifference was built.

2017 – 04 – 22 – a week of unfortunate events

My mouse broke, my lamp broke, my headphones broke.

Headphones, admittedly, broke a little earlier. I fixed them by taping a hair thing, accessory like a little bow similar in shape to that of headphones base, onto that said broken base. Then the cord broke… Friend got me a replacement, and now it works good. Tho to be honest, they’re a bit loose on my head now, so a lot of sound comes in, and I find that to be disturbing most of the time, since I’m used to working in silence or listening to audio books.

Then my mouse broke. Left button decided enough is enough, and the cord agreed, so slowly but surely it was going to its death. I’m gonna miss my black-white-red skull of a mouse, but what can you do. Again, thanks to friends I’ve a replacement. And it’s green. I like it.

And then, as a cherry on top, my lamp decided to go out. Most of my work and all of my hobbies require me have a light, because my work space is behind a bookshelf which is packed to the point where light barely comes in. I was told these might be more expensive, the bulbs. But luckily there was a sale, and I found one for 1.50e or something. Might not last, but for now it’ll definitely do.

So all in all, I’m still pulling.

[log] 2016 08 04-05

Some time before, last month, friends got me a ticket to Suicide Squad (which I liked perfectly fine, and think Leto would’ve done great justice to the Joker if he had MORE THAN TWO F-CKING LINES via whole movie). But let’s not talk of the movie, and rather on the mini vacation I had due to it.

Movie premieres are usually late in the evening. I say late, but that is mostly because the cinemas that do premieres are usually 50km away from me, so coming back home at 11PM is just unpleasant. Therefore I overnighted at friend’s. She lives with her fiance and a wonderful senior cat, who was very kind about allowing pets while her and another friend of ours shaved my undercut and painted my hair greenish blue. I have always wanted this color (and now I think I would do light blue, and even pink perfectly fine, undercuts are good that way, little commitment, and a lot of room for color changes), so this was a little dream come true (again, courtesy of a friend).

After all that was done, we went out, nearly late, to the movie. Funny how it’s second time we were nearly late to a movie. Last time it was Deadpool, where we had to quickly get to a whole other cinema too. But in the end we succeeded and merely missed half the Heathens song. The movie was good. Aftermath was even better.

While I regret one friend of mine couldn’t come along for reasons that are not mine to name, it was still fairly fun. We went for a night walk around the park. It was hot, humid, dark, and oddly – full of people. I often see artists who dream of solitude, secluded places, forests. I myself am a city child. I wish the dim artificial light to seep through my window high above the ground. I want streets to always have people on them. I want life. So this was nice, if small. Our country is small, and so our cities, even those that are the biggest, are too small for me. Still. Okay. Imagine it’s Bon Temps or something.

After the little stroll we went home, where my friend made me bed, and I realized I brought a faulty phone cable, so my phone was dead for good. In the mean time that was fine, for I really wished to lay down, and the bed was nice, wide, and all mine. We both worried I might not sleep okay in a different place, for that happens, and I’m a known insomniac, but after five pages into an ebook – I was out. Did wake up now and again when it got too hot, which I quickly fixed by scooting over to other side of the bed a bit. If I ever have my own home, I’m getting the biggest bed I can find (I cannot sleep when it’s too warm, but sleep real well if it’s chill, also, my bed here is as narrow as a coffin, and I’m not exaggerating).

I’m used to loud people. I hate them, but I’m used to them. When I lived with sister: they wake up = everyone wakes up. There’s shuffling, walking, loud chats. With parents it’s phoning, breakfast, balcony door slamming. That one balcony has two doors, one is in this room, the other – in the other room, so slam one – slam both. I sleep with ear plugs at home thus. But these people were not the case, and that was the first thought of mine in the morning: good people. Her fiance took his clothes out of the room I was sleeping in before hand. I didn’t hear them wake up, I didn’t hear them go. Heck, I wasn’t sure what time it was when I got up (it was 9.30, and I was offered breakfast, again, not something that normally happens, but that’s fine, I’m used to not eating in the mornings).

We spent the rest of the day, which we planned to dedicate for pokemon hunting, but my phone died, walking around stores, where I tried finding wire for my phone (unsuccessfully), and then at her home, playing video games (lego games are AMAZING).

I came to her place with a bag of clothes, a comfy change for next day, and pj’s. Went out with a bag full of stuff. Our situation is dire at home, and these people are among the rare who actually care about me. One of the items is promising. I keep telling people that Dracula enters my life when I most need a hand to climb out of the darkness. So I got my 5th (I collect different copies) Bram Stoker’s Dracula book. This one is so far the most beautiful ever ❤

Reality was hard to return to. I had a bad spell of depression that I kept hidden as best I could. No need to trouble people, I thought. Now, hopefully I’ll get a job there, and all things will somehow get solved.

And just to clarify: This job I’m seeking won’t be primary income, but will add the badly needed money. It might still not be enough, and then I really don’t know what I’ll do.